The Beats In Rift

Chapter 9

Justin

Guilt, it can be just as painful as sorrow,

It can eat away at you like death

It can taint memories, taint your heart, and taint your soul

Play with your mind making the person that is you harder to find

Making you unable to give, unable to live

Heartbreak is worse than death, it cripples the soul

Tortures your being, questions your beliefs

Changes the way you think, act, or breathe

It introduces you to the darkness in the world

The darkness buried in you

It prevents reasoning, prevents you being you,

Making you unable to give, unable to live

Love can bring warmth to the body, light to the soul, a beat to the heart

Love can bring you light in the darkness

Peace to your mind, reasoning to your troubles

A sleeve to your tears

It can be the sun in the winter, the thaw in the ice, turn bad to nice

If you let yourself breathe, feel. Give... live

Who are you to me? What will it be?

"WHAT ARE YOU reading?" Jared asks me.

I hand him the brown leather pad. "It's Meadow's. She's writing again."

"What do you mean again?"

I pin him with a glare. "She stopped writing when you left. She stopped playing."

Sorrowful emotions dance across his face but I'm too mad at him to care if he's hurting right now. When Dad told me he called, and that our Mom had died, my emotions were jumbled. I was happy Jared was alive and well, and sad that he'd waited for bad news before getting in contact. I felt grief for my Mom, an ache from memories of my childhood that assaulted me and replayed all the happy moments we had as a family every time my mind would repeat the words she's dead. She was never coming back. We were never close and she didn't even look my way when she left but I loved her. It's a weird feeling that I can't quite get a handle on. I seem to jump from one emotion to the next like a yo yo. And then sitting there in the shadow of my mind I had the fear Jared was back and I couldn't keep him from Meadow.

I know she loves me and she's angry with Jared but I also know how intense their love was. That's what I struggled with the most when he left. Not how he could so easily leave me, even though we shared everything, but how he could leave Meadow. The sun rose and set with her where he was concerned. I could never leave her and I'm terrified he will take her from me.

"I had my reasons for leaving," I hear him mutter.

Ignoring him I stand when the shower turns off. I grab the book from him and place it back on top of Meadow's bag.

It's been seven days since Jared came home and to say things have been strained would be an understatement. Jared wasn't meant to stick around after Mom was buried but he told me he's hanging around for a few more days. I won't leave Meadow's side. I know I'm being needy, insecure and blatantly obvious but I just can't shake the fear of her leaving me. Jared is to blame for my anxiety; he made me this weak person when he left with Mom. It changed me, made me realize that at any given time your life can change, and people you love leave.

"Hey." Meadow pulls me from my thoughts. She's standing in her workout gear, her hair pulled tight into a ponytail. She's dropped weight this week, and I can already see the change in her body.

"I know I just showered but I think I'm going to hit the gym for a while. I need to get rid of some energy before I can go to sleep." A smile tilts her lips but it doesn't reach her eyes.

"I'll take you, I'm heading that way," Jared offers.

"No, I'll take her," I interject.

Her sad eyes drift between us. "I'm actually going to jog there."

"That's dangerous. It's late, Beats. I'll jog with you."

My stomach is in knots. "I'll jog with her," I all but growl at him.

"Guys, seriously. I'll be fine." She turns on her heel and leaves the room.

"What the fuck is your problem, Justin? You can't stop me from spending time with her."

The fear creeps in, wrapping its hands around my throat. "I won't let you take her from me. You left her, left us. I love her. I can't let you take her from me."

I feel the heat from his body on the back of me. He's breathing heavy near my ear.

"You sound like a psycho, Justin. Stop being such a fucking pussy."

His words cut deep because I feel like a freak but it was him who made me this way.

"Fuck you, Jared."

I hurry out of the room and down the stairs. Meadow is just opening the front door. "Meds, wait. I'll come with you. I don't want you jogging in the dark on your own."

She turns to me with a smile. "You're overprotective, But okay."

Relief settles inside me. She's still mine, and now it's just about waiting for Jared's departure.

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