Living Dreams

The Truth and the Real Truth

What I actually said:

I'm sorry about this summer. I'm sorry I didn't realize that as miserable as I was, you were suffering too. I'm sorry about everything I said and did that upset you.

The reason why it took so long to write this is because I was angry and I still am. I was not going to throw myself at your feet if you were not going to listen. And I was not going to write something if I had nothing genuine or nice to say. But that's changed now.

I know you're good people but that doesn't mean you're not capable of hurting me. You fed me and took me to work. You gave me a place to stay among everything else you have done for me. I thank you for all of it. But at the same time, you made fun of me for my weight and for my acne. It drives me crazy trying to figure out why you thought that was okay, especially after I said it was not funny. I think I deserve to know why. You started with my acne. I told you to stop and you apologized. Then you moved onto my weight. I told you to stop and you eventually apologized. Then you started calling me a monkey and an idiot. I found it very hard to believe you when you said sorry because of this. You just moved on from one insult to the other as if they were not any different from each other. You don't have to apologize again but can you see why that would bother me?

And when I called you an old man I want you to know that I regretted it immediately but I was so frustrated with all of your insults that I snapped. It's not an excuse but it's the truth.

And as for the fudge, it takes ten to fifteen minutes to get a box of it. I couldn't get fudge often because I was an employee and not a customer. It was too time-consuming and I was there to work. I didn't want to get in trouble.

And when I realized I couldn't handle watching Fox News, I decided to remove myself from the situation. I went to my room after work. I did my best to not talk about politics. I could have done better but I can't change that now. I told you to stop sending me emails because they were causing too many problems. I tried.

Again, these aren't excuses for what I did, they're just some parts of the story you may have missed, things I want you to understand. Because I am really am sorry. But I want you to know you hurt me too.

Now I want to know what I did specifically to hurt you. Because you accused me of listening in on your phone conversations but I didn't do that. I was in the room that didn't have the phone blasting my music. Whether or not you choose to believe that, it's the truth. I'm sorry that you thought I did. I want to know why you called me a bitch. Because I know you have a reason but no one else seems to think so. And I want to know why you said I didn't have a sense of humor because all of my classmates said I had the funniest speech in public presentations. I want to know why you called me fat if I'm too light to donate blood. Why did you call me an idiot when I just applied to a college that invited me to do so. I want to know what I need to rectify because I want things to at least be okay between us.

Writing this wasn't easy and it's not going to be but it's a start. I was not going to lie or sugarcoat anything because it wouldn't get us anywhere. And I wasn't going to paint this picture like I was the victim because that's not what happened. But I know now that one summer shouldn't ruin a lifetime of the goodness you've shown towards me.

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What I wanted to say:

You pointed out my acne. You called me fat. You touched me and grabbed at me no matter how many times I told you not to; even though I was a new driver and was trying to focus on the road. You called me a monkey and an idiot.