depression is my best friend (ON HOLD)

sweater weather pt 1

It's Monday, two days after the pit incident. I'm walking round my room getting ready for school, wearing shorts and a tank top (risky I know) with my music loud so I don't notice my door being flicked open
"Channing turn the music d-" mum stops, looking at me head to toe "channing p-please tell me they aren't what I think they are" she let's out a muffled sob through her hand. I look down realizing that you can see all my scars in what I'm wearing.
"Mum I promise it's not what it looks like. I'm fine I promise." I mutter "please don't send me away" I whisper averting my gaze from her guilty stare.
"Get ready for school we will talk about this when you get home. It's meant to be cold, wear a sweater." She utters with a blank expression, leaving the room softly shutting the door behind her.

I shake that conversation out of my head. Wondering to my dresser picking out a random jeans and sweater combo before plucking my black and white floral vans off my chair. I get changed heading down stairs, I avoid mums stare as I greet Donnie with a hug and kiss on the head
"Channing do you want some breakfast?" Mum asks in a hushed tone
"What is it"
"Oatmeal pancakes with berries" she replies
"No thanks I'm good" just from my answer mum looks about to burst into tears.

*Carries P.O.V*

I walk up the stairs only to hear Channing music being played far too loud, I get to her door knocking once before pushing the door open. Channing stands at her dresser wearing shorts and tank top. "Channing turn the music d-" I yell over the music, channing turns to face me, my eyes travel her body and all I see are scars. "channing p-please tell me they aren't what I think they are" I let out a muffled sob through my hand hoping that they weren't self inflicted
"Mum I promise it's not what it looks like. I'm fine I promise." she mutters "please don't send me away" she whispers avoiding my gaze.
"Get ready for school we will talk about this when you get home. It's meant to be cold, wear a sweater." I utter blankly leaving the room, softly shutting the door behind myself.

I head down stairs greeting Donnie with a kiss on the head and get started on breakfast. A few minutes later Channing makes her way into the kitchen, avoiding my stare she greets Donnie with a hug and kiss on the head
"Channing do you want some breakfast?" I ask in a hushed tone
"What is it"
"Oatmeal pancakes with berries" I reply
"No thanks I'm good" she answered making me want to burst into tears.

Channing left for school leaving me and Donnie in the kitchen. Donnie breaks the silence "mama?"
"Yeah sweetie"
"what are those lines on sis's arms? I've seen them a couple of times and they look really red and sore." He states
"Well sweetie channing hasn't been in a good place since Lewis left and she copes that way"
"Oh okay. I thought someone had hurt her, and if anyone hurt my big sis I would bash them" he laughs jumping off his bar stool, running up to his room. That is when I finally burst into tears. Yes Donnie someone hurts her and that someone is herself.

*Channings P.O.V*

I left for school knowing my mum was going to lecture me when I get home. I guess that today is the best last day then, so there is no point in going to school. I turn in the other direction towards the park bridge and sat on the edge, letting the tears flow down my face. A few minutes later I felt a tug on my sleeve, looking up I saw a little girl around the age of seven staring at me with big brown eyes
"Why are you crying?" She asked
"I'm sad sweetie" I chuckle, smiling at her "what's your name hun?"
"Anastazi"
"Well anastazi I'm channing. Now where is your mother?" I ask standing up and taking her hand
"I don't have a mum but my two dad's are over there" she says pointing to a young couple at the swings with a baby boy.
"Well why don't I take you over there." I laugh picking her up and sitting her on my hip. I walk over to the two men, I stand trying to get myself ready to speak. "H-hi there I b-believe t-that you are h-her f-fathers." I stutter getting there attention
"Oh miss we are so sorry if ana annoyed you she has a habit of wandering away." The taller man with blonde hair says grabbing anastazi out of my arms before tickling her stomach.
"It's C-channing not m-miss and it's f-fine. S-she's a l-lovely wee g-girl." I say stuttering again as the tears start to flow down my face again
"Sweetheart are you alright?" The other man says to me touching my shoulder. I flinch away as I do with any other older man
"it's fine. I'm usually sad" I shrug sitting down on the bench just behind us. The tall blonde sits next to me, moving my chin so we are looking at each other.
"Channing as in Channing Bennett?" He asks
"Um yeah why?" I ask confusion laced in my voice
"Oh my god I thought it was you and it was it's so glad to see you." He squeals pulling my into a hug.
"Um I'm sorry but who are you."
"Oh um yes I'm Kyle. Kyle Lockhart." Realization hit me like a tidlewave. Tall body, broad shoulders, blonde hair and chiseled jaw, how did I not see it earlier. Lockhart. Lewis lockhart. I let of muffled sobs and engulfed Kyle in a hug.
"I haven't seen you since the funeral. What are you doing back in town."
"It's Avas 13th birthday next week and we thought it was time to stop running from the past. Now channing why are you sad?"
"Mum found out about them" I whisper
"And what were you going to do at the bridge?" He interrogates
"Finally see lewis" I state.
"Channing Carrie Bennett I have lost one person to that bridge, I am not losing another one. Now we are going to mums and you're coming with us" he states pulling me up. "Michael can you get Ana and Jordan in the car I'll be there in a Second. Hun when did you last cut?" He utters pulling me into a bear hug.
"What time is it?" I ask trying to figure out how long ago 3 in the morning was.
"Oh sweetie, was it on your wrists." I nod into his chest. "May I see?" I stand back pulling my long sleeve up revealing the 17 deep red cuts. Kyle just grabs my hand leading me to the car, not letting me pull my sleeves down, I hold my forearms in front of my chest so no one can see and follow him.

We stop next to a matt black range rover and the only thing I see is flash backs of me and lewis driving round town singing terribly at the top of our lungs. I even notice where we etched our names no the side, I slowly walk over my finger touching lewis's name. His quote comes to mind "you're blue, I'm red and I love the color purple." I mutter "why do you have lewis's car." I ask
"He left it to me in his will as long as I didn't get rid of the marks you put on it"
"Wait so does that mean?"
"Your painting is still on the back seat channing" Kyle chuckles helping into the car. Kyle sits in the passenger seat with the still mysterious man in the drivers seat "oh yes channing this is my husband Michael, our baby boy Jordan and as you all ready know our little girl anastazi" Kyle says pointing everyone out
"Channing?"
"Yes ana"
"How do you know daddy?" She asks
"Ana you remember that amazing girl I always talk about when you ask about the paintings at home." kyle says
"Yeah" ana mutters
"Channing is that girl"
"Oh. Channing what's on your arm?" Ana asks pointing at the cuts making me realize my sleeve is still pulled up
"Ana remember what I said"
"Don't ask someone about things on there arms legs or torso because they might to want to tell you" she mimics making me stifle a laugh.

We arrive outside of the house I know all to well and panic starts to rise within me. Everyone else is out of the car while I still sit there focusing on controlling my breathing.
"Hun mama has wanted to see you since the funeral and I know you want to get some things from his room. " Kyle says grabbing my hand. We walk towards the front door opening it up so the kids can run inside. I missed this place it was my second home, my second family. "Mama guess who I found at the park" "I don't like to guess"she calls out
"it's channing"
"it's swear to god if you are joking boy I will slap you so hard youll-" she cut herself off as she walked into the room drying her hands "oh my baby!" She squeals hugging me to death. She pulls away looking at me up and down but frowns at about half way "buba why?" She mutters pulling my sleeves down
"it's all too hard" I sob, clinging to her as I cry
"Shh. Shh buba it's alright. Now why aren't you at school?"
"Marie I w-was g-gonna s-see l-lewis." I stutter looking away,
"I have lost one of my babies I am not losing another. " she states "now come on let's get you some food."
"Marie I'm not hungry."I whisper. Instead of going towards the kitchen we turn Down the hallway towards the bathroom "I don't need to be weighed I'm fine!" I state knowing she won't belive me. We get to the Grey and red bathroom as Marie pulls a scale out of the drawer.
"I did this with you two years ago I will do this with you now. Now get on" I do as she says and step on the scale, I expect to see 100 and something but instead 38kg comes up. "A seventeen year old girl should not weigh 38kg channing that is dangerously under weight." She states
"Your scale must be broken then because I am fat" I say trying to argue with her but I know how stubborn she is
"You and I both know that is utter bullshit. When was the last time you ate a proper meal channing?" Marie interrogates
"Wednesday. " I whisper
"Buba we are eating lunch and you are not leaving until it is all gone
"Okay."

We walked into the kitchen to see Kyle and his family and a mysterious girl sitting at the table.
"What took you so long?" Michael spoke up
"I had to weigh channing like I used to do if she said she wasn't hungry." Marie shrugs
"How much did you weigh channing?" Kyle asks
"38kg" I whisper
"Excuse me?"
"38kg" I state a bit louder.