Thinking Of You

The Memory

Take my heart as you're leaving. I don't need it anymore.

It felt ridiculous to be dying, yet again.

Wasn't I already dead? But as I lay on the cold floor, jade blood spilling out from my abdomen (again), my head swirled and my body went numb. I suppose this was what it felt like when you were truly dying. Notice I had said “truly” because I thought I was already dead before, as I mentioned.

I felt a different kind of pain when I remembered her. She was all about the scorn. All about sarcasm and snootiness. Always so-

Stop right there, Maryam.

It's been a long time. She didn't even communicate with you after she left. But perhaps it was your own doing, running away from her before she even left and all.

You didn't really want to say goodbye though. Even though you wanted her planet's population to grow again, you had also wanted her to stay with you. But it would've been a selfish act.

I closed my eyes. Oh don't worry, I wasn't leaving yet. Just remembering.

“Kanaya?” she had asked from behind.

I didn't turn around yet. Part of me was afraid I couldn't let her continue to leave me, and the other just remembered her voice for this may be the last time I'll ever hear her say my name. It sounded so beautiful, like her and I had wanted to kill myself because I was about to let her go.

“Kanaya,” she repeated in the same lovely tone. Her arms embraced me from behind.

I took her hands in mine and gently pried them off me. Still holding one, I turned around to face her which made me weak. I wasn't really ready for this even though I spent hours and days rehearsing what I would say to her when she wasn't around.

My eyes memorized her face. I wouldn't see it for a long time. Her blond locks would never tickle my cheeks whenever we kissed. Her soft lips would now touch someone else. And her eyes. ...God, her eyes. I could spend my life just looking into them. But after this, I would only spend my days remembering how they looked.

We just stared at each other. It was better that way so we couldn't hurt each other with our words. Tears fell from my eyes because I'll never hold her anymore. I also wanted to kiss her one last time but if I do that, I know I wouldn't be able to let go, so I just held her hand. I would miss its warmth.

I wonder if she really felt the same way. Because I was irretrievably and utterly flushed for her. I wasn't sure if it was like that on her side. She could adore me, but not that much.

My chest burned while I looked at her. As much as I wanted to beg on my knees for her to stay, I kept silent. Instead, I squeezed her hand lightly for the last time, giving her all the warmth and love I had for her, and slowly loosened my grip. I felt my whole life drain away, and my hand stung when I had let go.

“Kanaya, I-”

“Goodbye Rose. Be Safe For Me.” I turned around and ran away.

* * *

Well that was a really dumb thing to do now that I thought about it. But I just didn't want her to say goodbye as well. What if she thought I had broken up with her? I wish she knew I could never do that in a million sweeps.

“KANAYA!” a familiar voice had yelled and I heard him running to me. “OH FUCK. OH FUCK, FUCK, FUCK.” his voice trembled anxiously as he placed his hand at the back of my neck and lifted my head up a little.

I looked at him and felt glad. He was the only one who knew of my clown hunting expedition and I had been afraid that I would die alone because no one would think of finding me, but he was here. Still my friend.