Diary of a Broken Girl

June 10, 2013

In the fast few days, I've been better. I think I'm getting closer to a friend of mine. I never knew that she went through some of the same things that I went through. I'm going to try to get together with her over the summer. You never know what people go through. I thought she was always happy and positive..but she just smiles to cover up...just like me. She understands.

Last night I had a dream...First I was texting him. He was nerding off about this new game of his. He kept sending me pictures and references from it. We didn't talk about us.  But I was confused as to why we were talking. And his text was so random. Just a "Hey, what's up?"

Later, I was walking in an abandoned house. He was talking about the school cleaning lady's party that was being held this summer...Why it was her party in particular, I don't know. As we walked, he asked if I was going and I just told him I wasn't a party person. No one really talked to me at parties or anything, so why should I go? He told me to go. And I told him I'd think about it. As we kept walking, I had been crying and trying my best not to look at him.  I couldn't let him know that I was crying.  But we continued walking and the dream transferred.

It was a school dance, and it somehow tunred into an old train ride that had no source of safety when you rode on it.  No straps or even seats. You'd just sit on the top of the train car and hang on tight.

I saw some of my classmates but stayed near him...Things were awkward but okay, somehow... And he motioned towards me to get on the abandoned train ride even though no one else was near. I asked him if it was safe and he said "Sure, whatever." Some guy came screaming telling us to get off the tracks and off of the train cars. We were already on the cars with our stomachs down and our arms grasping the bottom for support.

The train cars sped quickly and I remember feeling as if I would fall off and die. At least I was with him, though. And the train went on and on. I kept looking over to see him staring at me.

Eventually we came to a train stop. He said he had to get the rear end of the train ride and to hold onto his panda bear and a plastic bag. He said he'd meet up with me later and I took his hand and held on until he said he needed to hurry.  I was looking in his eyes and felt happy again.  Safe and sound.

 My train car was off the track but I was able to push it back on because it was so light. And the man from earlier only came to make sure I was on correctly. But this time, I was on top of the train car on my back sincce I was holding onto the plastic bag and the panda bear.

The train car started moving slowly and I could see his train car coming. I heard him yell, "Throw that stuff up here, sweetie!"

The train ride went on for another while and my dream shifted.

In the end, we were in the school hallway again. I saw him by the drinking fountain and so I went to get a drink. Then I saw him walking towards the back door that led to the teacher's parking lot. So I ran towards him and walked behind him, hoping that people wouldn't come and judge me and he wouldn't tell me to go away like I was a creeper.

I saw my history teacher and other people around so I was scared about what all I could say to him. I wanted to say that I'm sorry and that I want to start things over with him, but I was too afraid. I yelled his name and said, "Do you really have to go?" He said, "Yes. I do."

He smiled, but it was one of those sad smiles that you know is covering up tears. I had hurt him and he couldn't forget.

I looked into his eyes one last time, and turned on my heels. I walked in the other direction, not knowing where to go or who to turn to. I only wanted to cry.

I woke up.

I had been somewhat forgetting him and feeling better. But now, my heart was sinking fast again. When will this be over?

I texted my new best friend, and she told me he had been up since six this morning...That's around the time I had the dream...I wonder if he was thinking about me...