Diary of a Broken Girl

April 6, 2014

I'm sorry that I haven't written in so long. I just haven't felt up to it. A lot has happened since.

Well, he was talking to me one night and asked me if I remembered telling him that I would stop talking to him if he found someone else. I was so scared when I read the message and I knew what he was going to say. I told him that I didn't remember saying that. Honestly, I don't. Would I have ever said something that cold? I don't know. But he told me to never mind. I pressed on and asked, "You found someone, didn't you?" He said yes. And I continued by telling him that maybe I shouldn't talk to him because I didn't know if I could take it. I eventually confessed I still liked him and that I have depression. He kept begging me to stay friends and that I'm strong enough. I gave in and told him that I would continue being friends with him. We talked like every weekend as usual. But for the last 3 weeks he hasn't snapchatted me. And honestly, I really don't care. I really handled the news of him finding someone else quite well. I think it gave me a sounder mind. I'm happier. I just felt a little bit empty. Not sad. Empty.

I think that I am finally getting over him. Besides this morning, I have woken up feeling alive and just good. I don't know why this morning was any different. Maybe because school starts again tomorrow. I'm going to try to be an honest student again and not cheat. I hate being a cheater.

Also, I was sick this past Wednesday. I was at a friend's house Monday-Wednesday and I threw up twice before I left her house. At first, I thought it was because of all the food I had eaten the few days before but I threw up three more times later that day. I fell asleep around 10:30 that night and woke up around 10:30 the next morning. I was really tired.

I have been tired since then and I have trouble eating some foods. I keep thinking I'm okay but maybe I should just stick to chicken broth for a while. I didn't even enjoy the pie I had. I'm still not hungry and I'm thinner than I usually am so I suppose I still have the bug. My stomach is still bothering me.

On a different, kind of weird note (maybe that's not the right way to say it, I don't know), I am selling my iPod and I am going to earn up for a newer one, blue, with more memory as well. Maybe getting rid of this old iPod with more memories will help me move on with my life.

Another way I plan on moving on, is the fact that I am taking a college chemistry class this summer. It's an all-summer class but it's only on Tuesdays so I'll still have time to go to the beach and skateboard and hang out with friends. I'm also growing my hair out. I'm going to redo my hair to like a bleach blonde. I love dying my hair because it's like being a different person for a while, yet I'm still being me, y'know?

I just finished reading Perks of Being a Wallflower and I think I saw some of my traits in Charlie. Maybe some of my writing sounds like Charlie's. I don't know. I think he is more humble than I am. I wish I could be as smart as him.  I think I would have gone out with him.

Speaking of going out with people, I had a dream about this one guy I see at the supermarket often. He is a senior at my old school and he is like the "class freak." I don't think that he is a freak at all. He is intelligent and mature and I believe that he is handsome. I don't think he would like me very much. He probably wouldn't like my language or my music taste or the way I dress. Or the fact that I cuss a lot if I am in the mood. I can be quite vulgar. I write differently than the way that I talk and I suppose that is strange. I wonder why people do that. But they do.

Wow, this got really long. Since my troubles with him haven't been big, maybe I won't write anymore. I am fairly happy. Sometimes the depression comes to me but not for long. I'll write again if I feel like I need to, but I think I'm okay for a little while.

If I don't write again, I would like to say thank you if you read this far. I know not many people will read this but I'm grateful to those that do. And I hope that if anyone can relate to the earlier entries of this diary or are just sad in general, I would like to let them know that there is hope. It will take a while. Pain is hard to get rid of, but trust me, you can do it. It took me about a year and at one point, it took me three years to get over something. No matter how long it takes, I hope that you will find peace.

Love Always,

Anya