Heart Beat

|2|

I just am.

I am whatever you see in me.

I am all those stories you hear about me, all the rumors.

I am my image, the kind of person others claim me to be.

That's all you need to know and that's all you'll ever know.

Nothing more or less.

I just am

Despite the fact that I'm pretty good at holding my liquor, I suck at having hang overs, puke already next to my bed making me even more sick due to the disgusting smell. I role on my back in my bed, staring at my ceiling.

I wonder if it's the hang over, maybe it's.. no fuck it, I'm pinning it on the hang over.

I try to clear my mind, sighing and rubbing my face with my hands.

"Alex?" The small voice of my roomate calls softly as my door opens slowly.

'What?' Irritation filling my voice, I do not need her concern.

"You okay? I heard you throw up." Jenny asks as her head pops out from behind the door, crinkling her nose up at the smell that lingers in my room.

'I'm fine, go away.'

"You sure? Do you want me to make you a cup of tea or maybe-"

'I said I'm fine, get the fuck out.' Snapping at her, I didn't mean it but I'm not one to apologize easily.

As soon as the door closes I sigh, cursing at myself I sit up in bed, groaning at the headache I'm starting to feel.

Maybe I should have her bring me something?

'Jenny!?' I yell and groan.

"Yeah?" A few seconds later she's back at her original spot, not entirely in my room but just her head poking through the door.

'Get me some painkillers and water, please.'

"Sure." And with that she leaves again.

'Ugghhh.' I lay back in bed and take my phone.

One text from my dad;

"Hi honey bear, how are you? I hope you're not too miserable, I still doubt whether we made the right decision but I know I can't force you.. Just know that I love you, wish you'd come home every now and then. With your mother gone and now you the house is empty and I miss you very much, both of you. Be good in school kiddo, don't forget about your pops."

I sigh and slap my phone to my forehead, why does he have to make it so hard?

I turn to my side and bury myself under the covers, thank god it's saturday and I have no classes.

Why did he have to mention my mom? What the fuck dad, not cool! Now he's bringing up all these memories that I had locked up.

I keep thinking about the things she said, how she wanted nothing more than for me to be happy and make it big in life, not to follow her footsteps.

For dad to find happiness again and to live our lives to the fullest.

Well guess what mom, none of your wishes came true, none.

....

I don't know how much time has passed, I couldn't know cause I had my eyes screwed shut to try and hold the tears back but they ran down my face as if it was a race between the tear drops. Let's see which one makes it down first, guys.

I had been crying uncontrollably for a while, I didn't even notice that Jenny brought me the painkillers and a glass of water until now that I've turned towards my bedside table again.

There's also a note under the glass.

"I'm here for you if you need to talk. X Jenny."

Great, I've broken my bad ass reputation to her, damn it. No one's supposed to know Alexis!

I sit up in bed and take the painkillers, downing the glass of water for a change, usually it's alcohol.

'Hey Jenny?!' I call out

The door opens slowly again, geez just open the door as a normal human being.

"Feeling any better?" Her face shows genuine concern but I don't want it, I don't need it.

'Thanks for the painkillers.'

"Yeah sure, no problem." It's almost as if she's attempting to come into my room.

'I'm gonna sleep the day off, you don't have to check on me. Okay.' Making sure I cut off every action she was trying to take, my tone of voice stern and cold.

"uh, yeah sure, okay."

I'm making her nervous, I can tell by her voice, her face, her fingers fiddling, her overall being just radiates insecurity

I slip back into the covers, turning my back to her, giving her the message to go away and she does.

I grab my phone and read dad's text again before texting back

To dad;
"Hey dad, I'm good don't worry about me please. We made the right decision, don't doubt it. I miss you and mom too. I'll stop by soon. Love you."

Sighing I grab my pack of cigarettes from the bedside table and light one, rethinking and over evaluating every decision I've ever made in my life.

Closing my eyes I try to not think about anything, not the hang over, not the problems. Just smoke Alexis, smoke.

I use my number one go to thought when I have days like these; Ryan.

Thinking about him and the moments that we share calms me down, it makes me hot and bothered too but I'd much rather have him take care of that. I just feel too sick to go party today, poor Ryan, he won't find me in the bathroom.

When my thoughts finally die down and I'm done smoking, I slip into unconsciousness, my favorite state of mind.

A/N:  Hola lovely readers, hope you liked the second chapter. I know I'm taking forever to update but there's a lot going on in my life, please understand. Don't forget to like and comment. I have so many ideas for this book, can't wait to share them with you guys.

Love Lou