16 Letters

16 Letters : Letter #5

 SIX

   Try closing your eyes for a second. No. Really, just try it. When in complete silence with eyes firmly closed shut, most people see everything that they couldn’t, when their eyes were wide open. They start seeing clearly because of the lack of distractions around them and that was a clear fact. It’s what I always do when I’m at a lost as to what I should or shouldn’t do. That, and prayer helps a lot. So on that morning of Haley’s fifth birthday, I spent all morning crying and praying.

   I kept my eyes close for most of the time and that helped calm me down a bit. The reason why I was at such a lost was nowhere to be found. Just like me. I sat there in the darkness of 3.30 in the morning, a time that I felt was a universally quiet time. A cold breeze blew in through my window, past the curtains and into my room and eventually through my soul. I lost myself in a different place, a place I’ve never even been before. I couldn’t shake myself out of it and although I was freaked out by it all, I tried my best to remain cool, calm and collected.

   That was when I heard my bedroom door click open. It was my daughter. Clad in her pink jammies, Haley walked over to me. She sat down cross-legged on the ground beside me. “Dada, I heard you crying. Are you okay?” Haley asked me, clearly concerned, seeing my bloodshot eyes and confused self. “No. No, I’m not” I replied honestly, tearing up again, as soon as I said it. “Why not?” Haley asked me, holding my hand in hers.

   In the irony of having my five year old console her twenty-seven year old dad, I told Haley “I don’t know, honey. But I wish I did. I really wish I did”. I sighed a long miserable sigh and let the tears roll down my face like a waterfall. “It’s okay Dada. I’m right here” Haley offered me a very comforting hug. I cried while she held me. Warm tears of pain. Tears of pain from not knowing what was going on, what was going wrong.

   It was such a peaceful night, albeit being freezing cold. We held each other and eventually fell asleep. In the midst of my sleep, I felt like I was experiencing a blur between reality and fiction. I had a very vivid dream of Katie and it was just the most surreal thing I’ve ever experienced in my entire life. She told me she was happy and really, that was all I needed to know. Knowing that she was happy made me happy too.

   When I woke up the next morning, I thanked God for having had that dream. It was all I needed to jolt myself awake from the misery I was feeling before. Haley gradually stirred from her blissful night of sleep and after washing up, we had a big hearty breakfast of Haley’s favorite : Pancakes with maple syrup.

   We saw the pile of letters lying on the countertop but for some reason, we both agreed that we didn’t feel like opening them. Only after several days did we finally read the letter Katie had written us.

Dear Dylan,

              I love you. I really do. Time isn’t going to change the way I feel about you. It never will. And although I’ve never met Haley before, I love her too. The very fact that she’s my daughter is reason enough for me to. I’ll always love the both of you.

Love Katie.