16 Letters

16 Letters : Letter #14

FIFTEEN

Dear Haley,

   It’s Mom here. This is the first letter I’ve ever written you. I’m sorry that I’ve never written you any before. I have my reasons why I’ve only started writing you now, trust me honey. One of those reasons is because I think now at 14, you wouldn’t want your dad reading your letters anymore. So yeah, this letter is just for you, Hales.

   You turn 14 today so happy birthday, darling. I know that we’ve never even met before so this letter may seem a little awkward and weird to you. But I hope dad’s told you enough about me that you don’t feel like you don’t know me at all. I hope that when we finally do meet someday, you’d walk through the gates of Heaven and you’d be able to point me out within a heartbeat. We wouldn’t have to introduce ourselves and you’d know instantly that I’m your mom.

   Haley, as much as it’s hard on you to go through life without a mom, trust me that I never wanted you to have to go through all of this. Believe me when I say that it’s hard to say goodbye to a child I’ve carried with me for nine months. Please know that I’ve never wanted to say goodbye to you. Especially since we’ve never even said hello.

    At the time of writing these letters, I’m racking my brain thinking what do I say to the both of you, and whether or not I’m doing the right thing. Your dad’s outside the hospital room as I’m penning down these thoughts of mine. He’s the bravest guy I’ve ever known but even now, he’s crying out there and there’s nothing I can do about it. It’s heartbreaking.

    Doctors have told us that it was either you or me. There was hardly any other way out of our situation and I really wanted you to meet the man of my life whom I’ve been blessed enough to spend most of my twenty years with – your dad. That was why I told the doctors that in any worst case scenario, they would save you and let me go. It broke your father’s heart for me to say that, and it killed me inside to see how my decision killed him emotionally that way.

    Doctors have told me you’d only have about 30% chance of survival even if they saved you instead of me. But hey, you’re a trooper. You’re going to make it. I just know it. Because Hales, you’re a miracle. You have been one to me. My body, mind, heart and soul changed in a way in which I cannot fathom and it’s frightening and yet exciting and yet exhausting for me. You’ll definitely be a miracle to your dad too and I know he can love you twice as much. This way you’ll feel my love for you, intertwined in the midst of his.

    You know when you were at 17 weeks of life, I almost lost you...twice. But I knew God wanted me to have you and that was why you survived. You’re going to be a change to your family, friends, community, nation and world if you would just believe that you will. I believe that you will. Lead your life with as much love as you can possibly give and receive.

    And another thing. Please know that I don’t and will never regret my decision of keeping you at all, even when it risked my life. Never ever think that it’s your fault okay? I’ll be okay. I’d love it if I were to cross your mind sometimes but don’t let me stay there.  I believe that our God has big plans for you Hales, and that He loves you oh so very much. But you already knew that, didn’t you? And I love you too honey. I really do.

    I hope you would surround yourself with good friends who love you as much as you love them. Which of course brings us along to the predictably predictable subject of love. You’re only 14 so be patient, true love will come your way some day. And when you find that special someone, make sure that he makes you happy. If loving him feels right, then no doubt being with him will make you a better person altogether. Don’t rush through love. Be with someone who not only wants to be your boyfriend, but your best friend as well. Trust me; you can tell it’s the right guy when you know your Heavenly Father would approve of him.

    I’ll be here when you need me. Even when you can’t see me, I’ll be right here in your heart. I’ll always love you.

 Love, Mom.