Lost Soul (A Way Back To One's Self)

Panimula

This is a work of fiction. The names, characters, some places and incidents are just a product of the author's imagination and are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to the actual events, places or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

In addition, this may contain grammatical errors, wrong spelling, inaccuracies, or any other inconsistencies.

Warning: Content might have scenes that are sensitive and harmful to some readers. This includes self harm, emotional and mental abuse. Read at your own risk.

—

"Hindi ko maramdaman ang sarili ko."

Tumigil ako sa pagliligpit ng mga libro sa study table at nilingon ang nagsalita. "May problema ba, Miracle?" tanong ko. 

Walang buhay na nahiga si Miracle sa kama niya. "I feel like I'm not enough. Every one in my age knows what they wanted. At heto ako, hindi makagalaw. I can't feel myself. I don't know what to do. I don't know my purpose. I feel at lost."

Tipid akong ngumiti at tinabihan si Miracle. 

"When at lost, allow yourself to be found," saad ko.

Kumunot ang noo ni Miracle at bumangon. "Ano pong ibig niyong sabihin?"

"And purpose is not supposed to be found. It's the other way around."

"Pero hindi ko po alam ang gagawin ko," aniya.

"Hindi mo naman agad kailangan isipin ang dapat mong gawin eh. We always tend to make decisions based on our emotions. We act based on our feelings. We are driven by the feeling of what makes us good. And sometimes, those things can lead to a situations that we might regret."

Ngumiti ako at hinaplos ang buhok niya.

"We were all lost at that time, too. We were misplaced. Hindi namin alam kung saan nga ba kami tutungo. Walang daan na nagsasabi kung saan ang hantungan namin. We walked, ran and crawled on that road until we hit the rock part we didn't expect."

Napatingin ako sa labas ng bintana. 

"Ano pong nangyari pagkatapos?" kuryuso niyang tanong. Muling nagbalik ang alaala ko.

Everything happens for a reason, they say.

May mga pagkakataon na may sumusubok na palawagin ang kakayahan natin. May mga tanong na kailangan nating hanapan ng sagot. May mga sitwasyon na kailangan nating harapin. 

Lagi nilang sinasabi, hindi Niya ibibigay ang problemang ito kung hindi mo makakaya. Lahat ng ito ay may rason para pahulmahin ang pagkato natin.

Pero ang ginawa ko lang naman ay ang magmahal. Bakit pa kailangan subukin hanggang kamatayan?

"Kailangan kong bumalik sa kanya," pakiusap ko. Namalisbis ang luha ko sa aking pisngi. May kakaiba akong nararamdamang lakas na pagpupumilit na lumaban sa pagsubok na humaharang sa amin ngayon.

Blanko lamang ang lalaking kaharap ko ngayon. "Kaya mo bang tanggapin ang alok ko?"

Natatakot ako. Una, makikipagkasundo ako sa isang taong delikado sa buhay ko. Pangalawa, hindi ako sigurado kung talaga bang mananatili ang kanyang ipinangako sa akin. Pangatlo, mapagkakatiwalaan ko ba talaga siya? Pero hindi ko malalaman kung hindi ko susubukan. I don't have any choice. I need to do this. 

Kabado akong tumango. Pilit kong kakayanin para sa kanya. Para sa kanila. You can't stop it, the way it plays, the way it works.

I was lost.

He was stucked.

She was scared.

I was lost.

He was in pain.

She was broken.

He was in fear.

We feel nothing.

We feel lost.

She was in sorrow.

He was angry.

"Spiritual awakening is not just a calm process to tranquility. You need to self-destruct. Lahat ay may kapalit. And this is what I'm going to steal from you," aniya na ikinalito ko.

Naramdaman ko ang pag dampi ng kanyang hintuturo sa noo ko at marahan niya lamang itong itinulak pero naramdaman ko ang katawan ko na unti-unting natutumba. 

Kinain ng liwanag ang paningin ko at bago ko pa man ma-ipikit ang mabibigat kong talukap, muli kong tinanaw ang lalaking kausap ko at tanging itim na anino na lamang ang naanigan ko.

"You only have 49 days. Bring me the sorrow of light..."

—

UNDER MAJOR REVISION.