Sweethearts

The Difference Between Reality and Normality

I tossed and turned the entire night. My mind was either remembering Kendal or wondering about Lewis. Eventually I got out of bed and went into the kitchen to see Derrick sitting at the table.

                “Couldn’t sleep?” I asked as I took a seat.

                “I haven’t been able to sleep for days. I have way too much on my mind.” He had his eyes closed and his head resting on his hand.

                For the first time I noticed how tired he was. He had black circles surrounding his eyes and he looked paler. He looked like he had aged years since I had last seen him.

                “What are you thinking about?” I grabbed his hand and held it in mine. He opened his eyes and look at me. They were completely emotionless and looked dead. How did I never notice how hurt he was?

                “Mainly about how I miss him and how things used to be.” He pulled his hand away from mine and leaned back in his chair. “I was thinking about how when I first met you, you were so confident and funny. I just couldn’t take my eyes off of you.” He started smiling and laughed a little. “I know it sounds corny, but you literally took my breath away. And then I think about how you acted and how I acted and Vicki acted. Everything’s so different now. No one acts like they did. Like right now for instance, I feel so guilty for smiling. I feel like I’m betraying Kendal because he’s dead and I’m smiling. And I have no clue how long I should wait before it’s appropriate for me to smile again.  I feel like it’s never going to be okay to be happy because it’s so unfair. But then I think about those fun times and how I used to act and I want to be like that again. I want to have fun and be able to laugh and be happy.”

                His head fell into his hands and I heard his cry. He was shaking his head and trying to stop, but once you let things go it’s hard to stop them.

                “Derrick, never feel bad for smiling. You deserve to be happy. If Kendal was here he would be pissed the hell off if he heard you talking like that. Look, the past few weeks have been hell. I know that and you know that. And I’m tired of feeling this way, too. So, how about we try to go back to how things were?” He picked his head up and looked at me. I could see the tears in his eyes, but through them I could also see a glimmer of hope.

                “Are you ready for that?” He asked.

                Honestly, I wasn’t. I felt guilty for saying those words and for trying to move on. But I couldn’t stand to see Derrick like this, and right now I had to be strong for him.

                “Definitely.” As soon as I said the word, he looked like his old self again. And I felt more like mine.

                By the time we were done talking and finally ready to go to bed, it was ten in the morning. I figured there was really no point in sleeping and decided to take a shower instead. I got all of my stuff and headed to the bathroom.

                Today was the first day of operation: back to normal. So I figured I was going to go back to my old daily routine. For the first time in about a month I put make-up on, picked out a decent outfit, and attempted to do anything with my hair.

                After I had showered and gotten ready, I had to admit that I looked good. I had on a white sundress and black pumps. I had curled my hair and it flowed down to the middle of my back.  I never needed much make-up, so I just added a little mascara and was good to go.

                I opened up the bathroom door and saw Lewis and Derrick sitting on the couch. Butterflies were instantly in my stomach when I saw Lewis. No one had ever had the effect on me that he had. I felt like everything was going to be okay when he was around, like nothing could hurt me.

                Derrick must have tried to look like his old self, too. He was wearing a blue button down that was almost the same color as his eyes with khaki pants on. He had shaved and, I had to admit, he looked good. He looked over and saw me, a smile immediately stretching across his face.

                “That’s my girl.” I got off the couch and walked towards me, grabbing me and locking his arms around me. “You look wonderful.” He whispered in my ear.

                “So do you, hot stuff.” I smiled up at him and he winked at me. I pulled away from him and walked over to Lewis. I sat down next to him and put my hand on his knee. “And how are you this fine morning?” I asked.

                “I’m doing wonderful. And you look much better today. No offense.” He smiled and put his arm over my shoulders. “Are you ready for today?” He asked.

                “It depends, what do we have planned?” I asked.

                “Today, we are going to go see Miranda and Vicki. And we are leaving now so grab your stuff and let’s go.” Derrick told me as he grabbed his car keys off the kitchen counter.

                “Derrick, I can’t. I’m not ready to see Miranda, and I am definitely not ready to see Vicki. I can’t do this-“ I said frantically.

                Lewis grabbed my hand and turned my head to face him. “Everything’s going to be just fine. I’m right here if you need me.”

                And just like that, everything felt fine again.