30 Days Without Him

Day 29

I think i am actually starting to feel happy again.

It has been such a long time since I have felt the giddy feeling inside of me. That stupid girl that is overjoyed by everything and anything.

I had missed that little girl.

Ryan and I spent the rest of the day by the cliff just kissing, until I got hungry and tired and wanted to be dropped home. I had asked him if he wanted to come in, but he declined saying he knew I probably wanted space to think.

I think that the fact that he said that made everything that much better. He understood how I felt. He understood that for me, letting go did not mean not having anymore feelings towards you.

You would really have liked Ryan.

The words from your letter were still swirling through my brain. It was time for me to move on.

Who cares about how one month is too little time. Who cares that I don't even know Ryan properly. Who cares about how I haven't even got myself figured out. Who the fuck cares?

I don't know Ryan properly, but that is where the fun is. To get to know him and discover every little thing about him. The way he still needs to do about me. As time goes on, I will figure it all out.

I will go to college, and I will do medicine, and I will become an oncologist. But that is only the easy part.

There is still so much left for me to learn about myself. I need to know who I am alone, and then who I am with Ryan. I need to learn how to be myself again. And baby steps is the way to do it.

I will be okay. I always find a way to things.

Right not, that is not what I'm worried about. I am worried about what to wear tomorrow on my first official date with Ryan.

Stupid, I know. But, surprisingly, I was the one who asked for it to be tomorrow. If I waited longer, I would give up.

Either I rush into things, or I never get it done.

Either I hate, or I love.

People have always told me that life isn't only black and white, that there is a huge grey area. But I have never experienced that grey.

With you it has always been black and white. That is why I loved you way too deeply.

With Ryan, I hope, he teaches me how to be grey. How to experience other things. How to find other options, not just the one right under my nose.