Love Strung Depression (Zak Bagans Romance)

Chapter 1

This depression itself was hard enough to fight on its own, but with him it was even harder. I can't begin to explain the constant madness that I experience in my head. I have self harmed so many times that I can't even feel anything anymore except for the constant pounding in my body that reminds I'm still a living breathing creature of this planet.

Now he, he's a whole different story. I used to be happy and in love, months after I met him I feel into a deep trance that no one could break me out of. I had to free myself. Before I knew it, his love had turned into overbearing control. I could never say no. He raped me, threatening to kill me if I told anyone he had or looked for help. I don't know why but I always gave him a second chance hoping I could change the monster that had unleashed from within him but each time verbal abuse only came back towards me. I guess it was the love trying to help and I was blinded. There were times when he was sweet and I thought he had changed but each time the sliver of hope I had was stepped on by his inner demon.

One day everything had finally changed. He came into my house one night and the next morning when I woke up I found that all of the pictures we had ever taken were gone, anything that was connected to him disappeared and so did he. This really screwed me up in the head. When you really love someone and you're trying to help them and yourself, your thoughts and feelings are only connected to him and yourself. When he just disappeared it put me on the edge, I constantly checked over my shoulder hoping he would be there but at the same time I was worried he's come back when I least expected it and would try to kill me. A part of me was relieved that he was gone but another part was empty and yearned for someone to come and fill the void and have love return.

As time went on I fell back into the depression I fought before I met him and after I met him. After I met him he took the ease of the depression because he was a distraction. Now having nothing to distract myself with, my mind was constantly yelling at me to self harm and find no joy while another part begged for him or someone to come fill the emptyness that sat inside me.

I need someone to fill the void or maybe I just need to let go.

Day 253

The 253rd day since I had last seen him. You would think the tensions of him coming back would get easier but they didn't. Day after day things became harder. The constant shoulder checking became worse, I know that I should get help but I just couldn't. He made a promise to kill me if I did, so I never told a soul about us or anything that had ever happened to me. Which you could say messed me up even more.

I knew this had to end, that this constant fright of myself, him, and life needed to come to a stop.

That's why I decided to leave on December 15th.

The day I met him. If it could just all end for myself on that day everything would be normal and complete again. No more pain, no more fear, just peace in a restful place.

Picking up my journal I read over the multiple ways I had written down on how to die.

My escapes:

1. Jump from a bridge 

2. Slit wrists 

3. Overdose 

4. Drown 

5. Shoot myself

5 different ways to die. 5 different ones to choose from. I know I sound crazy but my way out needs to be decided and be properly executed. I wouldn't want it to be too messy. It just needed to be done, I don't want anyone to get in the way. The way people always say "It'll get better" or "You're not alone." it's complete bull shit. Everyone's depression or suicide thoughts are different no two are alike. Things won't get better for me either because I could be killed for seeking help for things to get better. I'd rather die proud than have someone kill me while I'm scared.

I sat in bed as I thought over my plan for the hundreth time that week, I wasn't doubting myself. The day for the escape just wouldn't come fast enough. It was only March 26th. A little over nine months was all I had left to live. I honestly want to kill myself right here and right now. But every morning it's the same thing. I wake up thinking about killing myself that day, but I just can't. It wouldn't hold as much meaning behind itself as doing it on that day.

I swung my legs over the side of the bed standing up and stretching. I squinted out of the window trying to avoid the harsh sun that was coming in. Another simple day, nobody was around. No children playing outside, no people walking their dogs, nothing absolute silence with no distractions.

I trudged myself into the bathroom trying to avoid my reflection as best as possible. I hadn't really looked at myself since that day. I didn't want to because I didn't belong here, I didn't look like a person that should. I began brushing my teeth and walked into the kitchen while doing so. I opened the fridge to find it empty. Great I would actually have to leave my house today, I thought as I spit into the sink and rinsed my mouth out.

I pulled my closet doors open searching for something to wear that would hide my skinny state. I didn't eat as much as I used to which took a serious toll on my weight. I wasn't anorexic, I just didn't have an actual appetite as much as I used to. I still ate when I felt hungry but it never really filled the empty feeling I had inside.

I pulled out a pair of dark skinny jeans, a black long sleeved shirt, and a gray scarf. It was still cold outside even though it was March in Nevada. I pulled on the dull outfit, ever since that day I couldn't stand color, my closet was filled with dull blues and dark blacks. People say it's a way to express emotion and I agree.

I picked up my worn down brown leather bag and keys and headed out the door. I lived in an apartment complex that was only a block away from the nearest shopping center. So I decided on walking, every sound I heard caused me to look over my shoulder. I never felt safe, I lived out of fright. Reminding myself that my ticket out would come soon, it motivated me to stop freaking out about every little sound I heard. As I entered the store I quickly ran through grabbing everything I needed trying my best to avoid anyone and anything.

I stood in the long line of people at the register, constantly looking around. I just couldn't let myself relax. I knew that I was around people and that they would witness anything if he tried to hurt me but the idea still frightened me. Suddenly I heard something hitting the ground next to me. I quickly waved it off not wanting to turn around and kept waiting.

"Um excuse me Miss, but you seem to have dropped your keys." A husky voice said placing his hand on my shoulder causing me to jump and drop and everything in my arms.