Love Strung Depression (Zak Bagans Romance)

Chapter 4

A month had passed since Zak had stayed the night at my house. Soon I had begun to invite him over more, with Zak around I always felt more secure and found myself not looking over my shoulder as much. We did start to grow close which scared me. We would spend nights at my house watching movies to try to get my mind off the things around me or he would sleep on the couch some nights to make me feel more comfortable in my own home. The day I would leave, would probably break his heart, but he didn't know, and I didn't plan on telling him either. I would just escape that day and he would never know until someone found me. I didn't plan to build a friendship before the time I would kill myself. Even though I had Zak around, it still wouldn't change my mind.

We were laying on the fire escape looking up at the stars, it was so peaceful and relaxing. A sensation I usually never felt.

"What's it like?" Zak whispered. In an instant I knew he was talking about my depression . He had found out about my depression when he caught me self harming two weeks after we first met.

"Where is it?" I said aloud as I searched through my bathroom for my razor. I needed it, I needed to let some emotion out.

I began searching through the cabinets frantically before I found it lying under the sink. Picking it up quickly, I placed the cold metal against my wrist and pulled the blade across. God it felt so good. Again and again the blade went over making me feel powerful.

"Agh!" I cried as I slit my wrist for the fourth time.

Dropping the razor blade to the floor, I watched as the droplets of blood flowed down the side of my arm. Every drop that dropped represented each time he hit me or raped me. I didn't want to have these memories anymore. Each time I cut myself I hoped that it would take a memory away. Every slice equaled a memory that haunted me. The memories still wouldn't fade after each time I cut, but I felt relieved.

"Scarlett?" Zak asked knocking on the bathroom door. I had invited him over earlier and he had fallen asleep on the couch, I didn't think he would wake up this fast.

I was to petrified to respond. I couldn't let him see me like this. If he did our friendship would be over for sure. Zak wouldn't want to be around a psychopath like me. Slowly bending down I picked up the blade and began to wash off the remaining blood.

"Scarlett, I hear running water." Zak said shaking the door knob.

I was still too scared to respond as I began to clean up. The quicker I cleaned my wrists off the sloppier it became. I began to panic, quickly I wrapped a towel around my wrist hoping the blood flow would stop but it only became increasingly worse soon turning the towel red.

"Scarlett!" Zak shouted one more time. I still couldn't respond, not now.

I stood still as I faced Zak who was now standing infront of me. I looked at the door on the ground, my bleeding arm, and then back up at Zak. Now I was really petrified and scared to hear what Zak was going to say. I watched as Zak walked over to the sink, picking up the razor blade, he shoved it into his pocket. I didn't protest because I didn't know what to say.

"Scarlett, what are you doing?" I could tell he didn't know how to approach this, I didn't know how to approach this myself either.

I opened my mouth to respond but no words came out.

"Why did you do it?"

"The only person that can hurt me more than he did is me." I said quietly, it was the only answer I could come up with that made any sense.

"Don't you love yourself at all?" Zak asked.

I shook my head no as I sat down on the toilet holding my wrist.

"Where's your first aid kit?"

I pointed to the cabinet above my head. I felt so ashamed of myself. Usually the cuts didn't hurt but toady it was different. The second Zak saw what I had done, pain spread throughout my whole body. It was a new sensation that I had never had before.

"Scarlett, why do hurt yourself?" Zak asked as he wrapped my arm in a bandage.

"The depression." I whispered.

"You need to get help."

"No, no I don't. If he finds out I've told you some things, he'll kill me. If I tell more people he'll kill everyone." I whispered feeling scared.

"No one is going to kill you, I promise." Zak said giving me a half smile.

"Y-you can't help me." I stuttered. I knew it was true, no one could help me.

"You have to let me try."

"You still want to be friends with me, even though I hurt myself?" I asked astonished.

"I'll always want to be your friend." Zak said before he pulled me into a hug.

"Scarlett, don't worry I won't let anyone kill you and I won't let you hurt yourself." Zak whispered into my ear as he held me close. Being wrapped in his muscular arms was the only time I would truely feel safe. It was at those moments, that he felt like my force field protecting me from the battles going on around me.

Zak had never asked or said anything about it until now.

I stared at the stars for a moment before I answered

"It's like you're drowning, but everyone else around you is still breathing."

Zak sat quietly for a minute before he asked

"How did it start?"

"These days I can't even remember the last time I was happy, when I was a kid was the only time I was truely happy. As I grew older throughout my teenage years my happiness began to dissappear and I began to fall. Everyday I would wake up and plaster a smile on my face trying to hide all of the sadness I felt. I didn't know where it came from, it just appeared out of thin air and took me over. Soon my parents realized something was wrong with me and seeked to get me help. The endless therapy sessions they sent me to never helped and the anitdepressants I was prescribed with, were only filled with sugar not doing me any justice. When I graduated high school my father died which pushed me further into my black hole because he had played a big role in my life. When I finished college-"

I had to stop there I couldn't start to tell Zak about him. It was too early, it would always be too early. He could never know. I didn't want him too.

"You don't have to keep going if you don't want too." Zak said propping himself up on his arm to face me.

"I think I've told you enough for one night." I said placing a small smile on my face that disappeared as quickly as it came.

"It's alright." Zak said placing his hand on mine.

"I just don't get why people get to be happy. When I was a teenager as I wanted to be when I grew up was happy."

"You can be happy Scarlett, you can be." Zak said squeezing my hand.

"H-how can you be so sure about that?" I stuttered out feeling weak under his touch.

"Because everyone deserves to be."