bulletproof - calm ot4

21- now i only waste it dreaming of you

I used to waste my time dreaming of being alive. Now I only waste it dreaming of you.

-

Luke and Michael lie on opposite sides of the bed, both caught up in their own problems. Michael is mad at Ashton. He's worried about Luke. He feels guilty about Calum. The tattooed boy feels tears welling up in his eyes, and he flinches. He's cried so much the past week, cried so much since deciding to love his three boyfriends. He almost regrets the decision, missing the simpler times when he could flirt with whoever and kiss and tell.

But he doesn't regret it, not for one minute.

Michael rolls onto his side, throwing his arm around Luke and placing his head on the blonde boy's frail chest. He's momentarily afraid that the weight of his head will collapse his lover's lungs, but Luke's hand quickly finds Michael's in reassurance.

"I hate feeling like this." Michael is the first to speak, because he knows that Luke never will be. "I don't like fighting."

Luke nods in agreement, not saying a word. Michael sighs, knowing that Luke is having an episode. Ever since forming the relationship Luke's selective mutism has been getting better, but occasionally things get rough, and he goes quiet again. Michael can't blame him. He's just happy the blonde isn't relapsing.

"But I'm upset with Ashton," Michael continues. "I understand why he did what he did, I just don't think it was his place to."

Luke doesn't respond, staring blankly at the shadows dancing across the wall in front of them.

"We're all so worried about you," Michael admits, trailing a finger down Luke's chest. "No one wants to bring it up to you, but..." Tears brim in Michael's eyes again, but this time he doesn't fight them. He buries his face in his baby's t-shirt, allowing them to spill quietly, hoping Luke won't notice. "We're scared you're gonna try to hurt yourself again."

At this, Luke releases his grip on Michael's hand, wrapping his skinny arms around Michael. "D-Don't wanna," Luke admits.

"I know," Michael promises, sniffling. "But sometimes you can't help it, and that scares me."

 "S-Sorry," Luke mumbles, and Michael can feel the guilt radiating off of him.

"It's not your fault, baby," Michael breathes out. He hesitates, but then admits, "Maybe Ashton telling the counselor was a good thing, I don't know..."

"No," Luke says, more forcefully than Michael released his voice could come out. "S-She's been trying to f-figure me out since f-freshmen year...trying to get inside my h-head."

"Why didn't you let her in?" Michael asks, trying not to sound as pained as he felt.

Luke inhales slowly and hesitates before speaking. "My p-parents...they l-loved me."

"Luke, abuse isn't love." Michael speaks as calmly as ever, but thinks he's saying it for the thousandth time.

 "I'm not broken!" Luke insists, his voice cracking on the first syllable of the last word.

"I never said you were--"

"You talk to me like I'm a child," Luke whimpers, his voice calmer, but quivering. "Treat me like I can't take c-care of myself."

Michael props himself up on his elbow, staring down at his boyfriend. Luke covers his face with his hands, turning his head away. Michael reaches gently for his wrist, but Luke flinches, and Michael refrains. "We just want to protect you." Luke doesn't respond, so Michael rolls on top of him. "Baby, please look at me." Luke is still unresponsive. "We just want you to be okay, and happy, and--"