How I Feel - (A Chris Brown Love Story)

Deep Thoughts

Chris Brown ft. Aaliyah - Don't Think They Know/Travis Garland - Fucking Perfect Remix

Chris' POV.

 I let the phone go to voicemail. Maybe it was a stupid move- but guess what? I didn't give a fuck. I was just tired of Emperor trying to run things in my life. Although he ran things in the neighbourhood, the town and probably the country, I wasn't about to fall a slave to him. I didn't owe him shit. You have to be pretty tough to stand up to him, and right now I didn't know if I was. I knew I could overpower him intellectually,because i was a smart ass guy, But physically? No.

 He was not an ordinary guy. God had allowed him to overload his body with muscle power to taunt, bruise and bully his victims. He chose the Devils side. In my eyes he was the Devil: vermilion red protruding over his tatted skin, horns bulging from his bald head, a little bit of a pointy tail peeping from below his back. But his eyes were the worst: they had an devious, manipulative sparkle to it, almost creating the impression that he could see beneath the perfectly layered parts of my body, deep enough to uncover my secrets. Underneath this, were the dark, bold part of his eyes, the part that shifted creepily - the thing that was different about this one was that, it forced it's way down to your soul and stole it. Everytime I was near him, I never looked Emperor-C in the eyes- the thought on it's own made me shudder. 

 That was it, I had sacrificed myself to the Devil, and there was no turning back. I risked my life and chances of death. But do you know what kills the most? I wasn't even heroic in the process. I filled up my big head with vainity and made myself feel like selling drugs, beating up the inferiorly weak and being labelled with a bad boy, made me more superior. I'm tired. I'm tired of all this bullshit. I've grown up wiser. I don't want my Mum to recieve a phonecall one day, claiming that her only son is dead or her witnessing me in a pool of blood or even having to come and examine my body to make sure that it's me going into the right coffin. 

 A feeling of disgust wrapped my body, suffocating my cadiovascular system, when I realised the depth of the mess that I had just got myself into. Why was my life this difficult? Yes, I made bad choices, but at least I was trying to make everything right. But nothing was working so far. Maybe I should start working again for him. Actually no. Not until I got the revenge I needed first.

 The only men that never disappointed me in my life, were Michael, Kevin, Mijo Ugly and my real dad. Any guy apart from them I never trusted. These were the only men I would help in my life. Sometimes I didn't even help myself, because I've never given a fuck.

 My Mum always said that I had a nonchalant, quick attitude, and this was the shit that was a getting me into trouble. Growing up, she'd beat my ass for talking back to her with that I don't give a fuck shit. "Chris go and do the dishes!" No. "Chris go and tidy up your room!" No. "Chris and help your stepfather wash the car!" Hell fucking no!

  I fucking hated that guy. He hit my Mum...

Flashback:

 The divorce between my Mum and Dad had been pretty harsh on me. There was no feeling of hatred, betrayal or disloyalties, that brought them to that conclusion. They just stopped loving eachother. It broke my heart to not see them together, playing happy families with me and my sister and looking like they belonged together. My Dad moved out just oafter my sixth birthday party to another town. I always had it in the back of my head that they will get back together, but that idea vanished so fast when my Mom introduced her new 'man' to me and Lytrell. Man? In my eyes he was far from it. 

 I switched the lights off, checked that my alarm (that now read 10:23pm) was ready to wake me tomorrow, then layed on my rock solid bed- atleast my pillow was a soft, cloud of cotton. I replaced my head deeper into my pillow trying to get as comfortable as possible. I closed my eyes only to be bombarded, with lighting, thunderclouds, rain and the sweet sound of Pachelbel's Canon playing in key D. What a contradition. My eyes flew wide open in shock. Everytime, I closed my eyes, I saw the same replay of the scene. I couldn't sleep. That's when I heard it...