Lost in Paradise - A Troyler FanFic -

Guilt

Chapter 11

Guilt 

Noun

· The fact of having committed a specified or implied offence or crime

Verb, Informal

· Short for 'Guilt-trip."

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Troye POV

"Tyler, what on Earth are you doing?"

His excited expression fell slightly as he took in my quirked eyebrow, the palm frond dangling from his hands limply as he nervously shuffled on the spot.

"Um, I was going to, uhh, sweep the pathways with it?"

"Why?"

"Why not?"

I shook my head at him, a small smile finding my lips as I took in his defensive expression. "Adorable." I whispered, both hoping he would and wouldn't hear me.

"Did you just call me adorable, Troye Sivan?"

I couldn't help the blush that spread across my cheeks at his response, my body turning slightly as I fought to come up with a suitable response.

The events over the last few hours kept running through my mind. Guilt wracked my body as I thought of how badly I'd treated him. I'd done this; I'd caused this rift between us... and for what? Because my feelings for him had returned ten fold, and he was even more unreachable than ever before? I'd been cold to him; shoving him away from me because I knew, when he got on that plane, all would be lost. He'd never wanted me, and he never would. So why was I working myself up like this all over again? He was my friend; I couldn't lose him.

Earlier, when we'd been traipsing through the city, all had been well... I'd managed to throw my thoughts to the back of my mind and just focus on the there and then, showing Tyler my favourite stores and eateries and buildings. Then we'd gone to the London Court, and the second I stepped through the archway, it'd hit me; thoughts from our time in London came flooding back; how close we'd been, the constant flirting, the freaking kiss that changed everything.

Things hadn't been the same since that kiss. I hadn't been prepared for the things that had raced through me in that moment. The longing I'd had for him had surprised me, and I'd made a complete fool of myself.

It was supposed to be a short kiss. Sweet and simple and to the point. But as soon as our lips had touched, I'd gone for it. If it wasn't for the pinch to my side he'd given me, who knew what would have happened.

As it was we were rushed off stage as soon as it ended, and then we were sent into a whirlwind of meet and greets and appearances. It wasn't until later that night that I realised we hadn't had time to talk about it. Was he ok with what happened? Did he regret agreeing to the kiss?

The questions had run rampant ever since, and still, to this day, I wasn't sure if he'd been at all ok with what had happened. It was too late to ask now, of course, but I couldn't help but wonder what could have been if we'd sat down and talked about everything.

Would we be together? Or would our friendship have fallen apart?

I shook the thoughts from my mind quickly; it was too late to wonder now. I still had him in my life, and that was all I could ever ask for.

"Troye?" His wary voice cut through my clouded thoughts; my head snapped up to take in his overly concerned expression.

"Hmm, what?"

"Are you ok?"

"Y-yeah, why do you ask?" It was my turn to shuffle nervously; fear coursing through me at how I'd respond to his next question.