So I don't really know why I was so affected by what was going on around me. I have great parents, my friends were amazing, and my grades were awesome for advanced classes. I had just began middle school, and as always, the first person I hung out with was a boy from the year before. We were good friends, and I told him everything as he did the same for me. Well, a lot of the girls at school really liked him. And got jealous because he would talk to me, not them. As the weeks went by, they thought it would be a great idea to slut shame me. Or so I thought. I haven't figured it all out yet, but I do understand that I was manipulated and fooled. However this doesn't mean I didn't believe it. I was angry. Becuase my friends all left me, I thought my only friend hated me and betrayed me, because I had spent half of my childhood being sexualliy assulted and thought it was normal, and to make things worse I wouldn't be living with my parents for a year. So one evening after school I was cutting up a snack for my younger sibling. And I stared at the knife. I thought that maybe if I made a physical mark, all my mental ones would fade. I also thought that no body would care anyway. However, I didn't cut. The next night I was in the same position, except this time I did cut. There was no blood, but my wrist puffed up and it slightly burned from where I had tried to wash some soap into it. I never cut again for the next three to four months. But one morning while getting ready for school, I wondered what would happen. So I let the curling iron rest on my neck. I didn't scream, but I did yell. I told everyone it was an accident when my friend saw the open sore, as I didn't have time to bandage it. (I had braided my hair and used that to cover it.) I now have a nasty scar on my neck that is fading. I never tried that again. Another time, I believe I was getting prepared for a party, and I had gotten some eyeliner on the wrong part of my eyelid. So I grabbed some rubbing achoal and poured it into my eyes. I washed it out and told my grandmother I had made a stupid mistake without my glasses. From now on I use olive oil, as this experience was somewhat an intend accident. The last time I ever did something like that, was when I had gotten sexts, and pictures of "it". I had gotten called names and insults were thrown...my grades had dropped, and I felt rather horrible. So grabbing a knife front the sink, I made two angry lines on my wrist. Now, these ones were different. They itched and burned and had an indent. They also left scars that faded so I don't have to cover them up, but I still am weary of showing my wrist. Each time I think someone or something triggered it. I'm not sure what, but I think it was mostly guilt. I was always that odd person, and sometimes I forget to embrace it. And it never helped when I finnaly told someone and they went, "Yeah, and? I know others who've done worse." I have a whole network of friends who have made more marks to the point where they cover up like they live in the North Pole. I know and understand that they went through things to where they thought it was okay. But it wasn't. I know I'm not selfish, but what I did to myself isn't okay. I've had that said to me plenty of times, and usually it frustrates me even though I know they're right. Now, my grades are up, but everyone just cheats off my paper. I work hard, answering every question in every class in complete sentences. I always put others first and they still hurt and whispher about me. I sometimes sit alone now, but that's okay. I do it by choice. And usually everything is good, I mean, I still have a year and a half of middleschool, I better get used to it. Anyways, at least now I can get it out and no one will be able to tell me that what I went through was nothing.
