I was always a happy child playing around like every other kid my age. But everything changed when I was old enough to go to school, I was always bullied and had no friends at all. I remember this one thing distinctly, it was when I put on the mood chart that I was sad and some girl asked me why and I replied I have no friends she told me she would be my friend and I sat next to her. So the next day I sat next to her again and she told me to go away because she was only my friend for yesterday and then she turned to her other friends and snickered. Now I was only in kindergarten and still being bullied. Another thing I remember distinctly is when I found a broken beer bottle I was walking and bumped into a kid while going to throw it away. The kid told on me but what I hadn't realized was that I had cut my entire arm with that bottle and I still have the scars today.
Things got better when I went to another school. I was happy for a while. But ya know me being me something had to go wrong, my dad got sick really sick. We didn't know if he was going to live or not, he was in the hospital for two years and he missed birthdays, Christmases and so much more. We went to people's houses from church every night and I was scared and sad. I was the only one old enough to understand what was going on, dad might die, I might never see him again. So I shut off emotions to take care of my 4 and 2-year-old siblings I did all I could.
Eventually, dad got better though and things got semi-normal, then mom and dad decided it was time to move. I don't mean next town I mean across the country type move. I became very introverted and made fewer friends and was bullied a lot more. To them, I was an easy target, shy, kind and smart. I hated life at this point.
Then we moved again this time I made a friend and had some fun times but moved again. This time we stayed and are still here. I was happy there were still some bullies but I could handle that.
I decided to be happy and it worked for a while. Then I got a huge crush on this guy we dated and the relationship fell apart. Then in middle school, we dated again, but this time he decided to break up with me which I would have been fine with if he hadn't sent someone else to do it for him. I was heartbroken; I felt like I didn't deserve to live, why would I? He couldn't even break up with me in person. I held those thoughts off for a while.
Finally, in 7th grade, they got me. The bullying was too much and seeing my friends fall apart around me with self harm and depression broke me down. I started cutting. The first one was on the bus with and earring I carved the letter 'F' signifying my failure to stay strong.
I cut for about 6 months until my mom saw my cuts in a Target while I was changing sweaters. She cried for an hour and told dad; I was so mad at myself for hurting them.
For 6 months I was clean, but that came crashing down. Mom had gotten mean; she called me names, names like Worthless. Stupid. Blind. Useless. Bitch. I took all of it to heart and relapsed again and again and again. I wrote suicide notes and tried to kill myself so many times but always failed. The sick thing is nobody seemed to notice, the red ring around my neck from trying to suffocate myself. The cuts down my veins. The empty pill bottle stashed in the back of the cabinet. None of it.
I've been clean for 3 months now. But the scars are never going to fade. My stomach, left arm, legs, thighs, and hips are covered in scars.
But now I just want to say to all of you who are cutting and don't think anyone cares, I do. You may think why would you care you're just some random chick on the internet. But I do care I don't want anyone to go through what I went through or think of themselves as fat, ugly, worthless, stupid, weird, or any of the other numbers of things I thought about myself. So when I say I care I really and truly do. Please please don't cut.
