Dearest Jayden,

Maybe One Day You'll See

December 15, 2015

Dearest Jayden,

I get what you say about wanting to try again. And maybe its for the best we give each other a break. I may not be out of hospitalization for quite some time though, so we may not talk/be friends for some time.. I do love you Jay, I just.. Don't understand.. I thought things were great between us. I thought you loved me, and the marriage...  You were the one who said that in the first place... I know what I said yesterday wasn't nice, I just want to know why you lied to me? I mean I trusted you with everything I had/have. But now you've lied... I mean Jay can you just explain this to me? 

I've had a lot of people lie to me. But no one has ever mattered as much to me as you. I've never cared so much about someone and confided in them so much, just to have them turn around and say, "Everything that you believe, that I've supported you to believe. Yeah you know that stuff? It's all a lie. Okay bye now". I mean some of that stuff, you said... Some of those things, you made a thing.. I couldn't wake you up, your mom told me YOU set an alarm. I couldnt wake you up ever... You did that.. You even told me once to wake you up...I'm not trying to say that I've never done anything wrong, I just want to know why you'd like fueled the flame on these things... But thats okay. Its for the best these things happen... I don't want you to go, believe me. But if you strongly believe it will help you, then I agree to do so. 

I do understand that me being gone hurt you, but I didn't have a choice. Ya know.. This is kinda like what happened with Reilly.. But thats okay, because I cared no where near as much for her as I do for you. I cried no where near as hard for her as I did for you. Now I'm not trying to guilt trip..I just want you to see, that you mean so much to me! And I hope I mean something to you. But if I don't I understand that. Maybe one day you'll like me. 

Since we aren't friends anymore, I guess I can say this without it making things awkward. I only stayed put on the marriage and kids and called you lovey, because I had a crush on you! I had this huge crush on you and thought maybe there was a chance you liked me too. But its obvious you didnt. Anyways you probably aren't even reading this but.. Listen to this song Jayden..   https://youtu.be/CAfNjdcgp4E?list=PL8cgipVV3TzDNvZQf_Cc5RueWExdiK4bH

I'm a strong believer in things happening for a reason.. But my dear, if you do read this... Please do listen to this song: https://youtu.be/9faxgdZBYnY?list=PL8cgipVV3TzDNvZQf_Cc5RueWExdiK4bH and think of me when you listen to it.

Please don't forget me my love. Because I won't forget you. Perhaps this is goodbye forever, perhaps it isn't.. But in the end I believe we'll figure things out. I hope things go well for you, and if you ever need me, I'm just a text away. I still care about you, and always will. I'm here for you, no matter what you need. I'm always here.