Searching for never

5

10/14/2012

Dear Violet,
It's been a month since you died. The funeral's tomorrow, and I don't even feel like I should be going. 

I haven't contacted your dad, or your sister since you died. I know they would blame me for your death. Hell, I blame me.

I'll love you forever, even if you are gone.

I don't know what to wear to the funeral and I know if you were here you'd be scrounging through my closet trying to find something "slimming and chic." Your favorite color was always black, in everything except dresses. So I feel like I shouldn't wear black, but the looks I'll get if i don't. I don't know Vi.

I'm getting tears all over this letter and I want to stop writing but my hand just keeps moving. Even if my sentences are choppy and shit I still feel like I owe it to you. To say something.
Anything.

I'll love you forever, even if you are gone.

I remember your laugh so well, it was like God himself had given you his laugh it was so beautiful. Your hair was beautiful. It was such a rich brown. Your deep green eyes were beautiful.
Fuck.
You were beautiful.
You still are I hope. I'm not sure though, I guess I'll find out tomorrow.

If you look gone I don't think I'll make it through the service. I want you to look like you, like you're about to make a joke about the Kardashians, or you're gonna trip me on the stairs. Like you're still here.

Your funeral service will be at 9:15 AM tomorrow. Tomorrow's the 15th of October. I'm not sure if anyone remembers that that's my birthday. I don't care even if they do. You're more important. Always were, always will be.

Maybe I'll wear my dark green dress that you loved. I never really liked it, but since you loved it. So did I.

You're a terrible person, even if you are gone.

But I still love you. For all that you are. Were.

I can't even read most of what I'm writing anymore there are so many tears on the ink. I should've written in pencil. Or even sharpie. I know you loved the way sharpies smell. I think it's disgusting.

But since you loved it, So do I.

You know what, I will wear my dress; for you.

Because,

I love you,

Even if you are gone.

I Love you,
-Dana

P.S. I hope you're wearing your gray
shorts and white v-neck, that was your favorite outfit. I think it's fitting.

---------------------------------------------
I know this was very choppy, but it was supposed to be written by Dana, who isn't a writer. Also I've noticed when you're sad, you're sentences are short and straight forward. And your thoughts are always muddled with no direction. That's why this was a "hot mess" because, so was Dana.