Searching for never

7

I've been putting off actually going out and searching for Never. Maybe because once I do, I'll cry. Because if I'm out searching, that means Violet really isn't here to do it anymore.

She's been gone for a month and a half, I shouldn't feel numb anymore, I should feel sad. But I should be on the road to recovery, instead I feel like everything is happening in slow-mo and all of my limbs are 10 times heavier.

New Boy called me the day after the funeral; Monday. And I've avoided him for the last 3 days in school, because I heard the voicemail and didn't want to talk about what it said. At all.

I throw my bag down in the art room and look at the easel beside me; New Boy. I glare and grab my brushes, trying my best to detain him and his philosophically deep ways and touching sensitivity.

Emotions scare me. I shut down. According to my therapist, that is.

"Dana." Damn it, he's talking.

"What...." I say still not knowing his name.

"It's Carter."

"K. What Carter?"

"Do you want to ditch 4th period and grab coffee?"

When he says this I slide around in my stool and look him in the eye.

"You want to ditch? You, the goody two shoes?" I say with a smirk.

"Fuck you. Yes or no?" He grins.

I smile -for the first time in a month and a half- and nod.

I still hate him. He pisses me off, something about his face. Or the way he breathes.

__________________________

"Vi?"

"What is mama?" She responds.

"What would you say if I was into girls?"

"Well are you?"

"Could you just answer the question please Violet?"

"Fine," she says, "I'd say I still love you and that you really should not wear that dress out."

I was in a tight black dress with a glitter stripe down the side.

"What's wrong with it?" I ask.

"It's revealing, and tight. And you need to be able to move and breathe when you dance. And you're mine." She mumbled the last part, hoping I wouldn't hear her.
__________________________

But I did. Loud and clear.

I was hers apparently, and I really hoped one day that could be official. But that day was in the distant future, if it was there at all.

Violet used to always skip 4th period with me, it was our ritual. I'm not sure how I feel about skipping with anyone who isn't her.

He isn't her, and he never will be.

As the bell rings, signaling the end of art, Carter grabs my wrist and says "Let's roll mama."

"Don't you ever call me that again."

"Shit Dana what did I do? I mean I didn't mean to piss you off. My bad if I did."

Whatever, I roll my eyes at him and follow him to his shitty little car.

A 1997 Prius. Of -fucking- course.
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I'm so done with school. Save me. Please.