Searching for never

9

Carter knows I'm in love with Violet now.

He knows. He knows. Trying to wrap my head around that has been making me nauseous. No one ever knew. It was my little secret. I fell in love with Violet 3 years ago, the day of our Freshman homecoming dance. Not at the dance itself, I have too much self-respect to fall in love with someone at a school function.
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We were at the mall shopping for jewelry to wear with our dresses, and we'd stopped by the food court to grab burgers. We sat down with our trays in hand and got to talking about "the patriarchy" that enraged Violet so much.

I believe her words were, "Dana, men want you to transform into their dream girl. They never meet a girl and see her as perfect for who she is; they see a girl and think 'she could be molded into what I want.' And that, my dear Dana, is why men are the worst."

I let her monologue roll off my shoulders without believing that she actually felt those words to be true. Her homecoming date had cancelled on her the night before so I just assumed her words were coming from a place of hurt from being rejected. But what she said after, was what made me realize I was in love with Violet.

"Dana, don't ever let a man mold you. You are perfect as you are, and should be every guy in the world's 'dream girl.' Hell, you're my dream girl."

I sat there, stunned, unsure of how to respond or whether or not to accept her words as flirting or as a friendly compliment. I knew already that Violet was beautiful, but in that moment, I realized she was my dream girl.
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Carter knowing I'm in love with the ghost of Violet makes it real. I'd never said it out loud, so I never had to accept it as a real thing. But him saying it, and me confirming it, means I have to face my feelings and accept the truth.

That my first love is dead.

I completely forgot I was on a rooftop with Carter until he turned to me and said, "I don't know much about you Dana. Tell me 3 things about you not many people know."

"No."

"Dana, why must you make these things so difficult? I won't flirt with you until you're ready. I genuinely just want to know you better as a friend."

I turned my head and started to question him, "What do you mean until I'm rea-"

Carter cut me off and said, "3 things. I'm waiting."

"Christ almighty Carter, OKAY! I got into the art program at UC Berkeley, my dad isn't in my life, and I hate your Prius."

He chuckled and seemed to ponder on my statement for a moment, "You hate my Prius? Her name is Carla, how could you hate sweet, sweet Carla?"

I softly smiled and leaned in close to Carter. I turned my lips to his ear and whispered, "Because, she smells like beans."

I then leaned away and he busted out laughing. Maybe, just maybe, Carter and I would be friends. It's foreign to me, having friends other than Violet.

Violet was a rollercoaster, as she aged, she only became more toxic. But, you can't help who you love can you? She told me to never let a man mold me, but as we grew up and she changed, she forced me to change along with her. Into someone she deemed "acceptable" to be seen with her. Telling me what to wear, how to do my hair, what classes to take and even where to apply to college.

I loved the girl that Vi was, that girl I knew when we were 15 that hated the patriarchy. Not the girl who got drunk 5 nights a week and was cruel to the guys that were genuinely interested, and nice to the guys that weren't.

I turned and looked at Carter, who was now done laughing. For the first time since Violet died, I started crying. Crying because I was lost without her, and crying because I lost myself being so close to her. I don't know who I am or even remember who I was. Maybe my search for "never" won't be a place, but a search to find the girl I'm supposed to be. Maybe Carter will help me find her.

He noticed my tears and put an arm around me. I leaned my head on his shoulder and said, "thank you."

He remained silent. I'm sure he thought I was thanking him for holding me, but I was actually thanking him for being so stubborn, and forcing me to make a new friend. He was going to help me rediscover who I was, whether he knew it yet or not.

Carter removed his arm from my shoulder and pulled me away from the edge of the roof we'd been standing by. Hand-in-hand, he began to lead me back to the fire escape we'd climbed to get up here. He turned and said, "We should probably get back to school now. 4th period is over in..." He glanced down at his phone, "4 minutes. We're fucked. Looks like we skipped 4th and half of 5th period, huh?"

I smiled at him and said, "That's okay, this was more valuable than my lecture on microbiology. I'm going to be an art major anyways, why the hell would I need bio?"

He just chuckled lightly and began to descend down the ladder. I followed and was a rung above him the whole time.

"Nice view."

"Carter you fucking perv. What happened to not flirting with me anymore?" I asked.

He beamed with pride and smugly said, "It's not flirting, I'm stating a fact. You have a great ass."

I used my right foot that was hovering on the rung above his right hand and stomped his pinky finger.

"DANA FUCKING CHRIST WOMAN!" He exclaimed.

"Look Carter, I know I have a great ass and I don't need your reassurance. Keep your thoughts that pertain to my body to yourself. If you can just be a nice friend maybe you'll get stomped less."

His finger seemed to be feeling better because he just looked up at me and said, "Sure thing hot stuff."

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It's been years since I've updated this story, and years since I've even had Wattpad on my phone. I remembered this book a few days ago and inspiration struck. I'll try to finish this story within the next few weeks. Not because I have many readers, but because this is a project I want to finish.

Much love,
Chloe