Searching for never

6

"And those four/ walls now/ are the only place that I can breathe out/ and those four/ walls now/ are home."

It's been 23 hours and 46 minutes since Violet's funeral, it's now 9 A.M. And Monday.

I've only cried once  for Violet, and it was when I wrote the letter. Shitfaced.

I was drunk out of my mind crying onto a piece of construction paper writing a letter to a dead girl.

I didn't cry at her funeral, It almost seemed like her -24 year old- sister was mad at me for not crying. As though my lack of tears made me extra responsible for Vi's death.

I am responsible. But her family doesn't really get to be angry. I should be angry. I'm the one that loves her. Loved.

Her father beat her, and once her sister graduated high school, she went to college and never looked back. Leaving Violet alone to the mess she'd just escaped.

Her family is a bunch of assholes and if anything, I should be glaring at them!

But I'm not, and I think I'm not because, they weren't there when she was alive, nor when she died. And I wasn't there when she died. Which makes me just as much of an asshole.

The new boy from art was at the funeral. Which confused the fuck out of me, because he never met her. Ever. So why did he come to see her dead body?

So, rationally, I avoided him. Until he cornered me by my car after the service. He told me that he was sorry and that he knew I was hurting.

I said thank you, got in my car, and drove away.

The thing is though, I should be hurting. I should be sobbing and wanting to jump off a cliff. But I'm not.

I'm not feeling the pain of her death. I'm pretty sure New Boy was probably more emotional at Vi's funeral than I was. And that makes me an even bigger asshole.

__________________________

"Okay, here's the plan: we split up, and one of us creates a distraction, while the other pushes her in the pool!" Violet said with wide eyes as she nodded at her older sister who was sunbathing.

"I don't know about this..."

"C'mon Dana, let's do this! It's my last week with Ashley before she goes to college. We have to do this!"

"Fine Violet, but you're pushing her. Deal?"

"Deal."

So I walked around the in-ground pool and stepped beside Ashley to start talking to her about anything that would keep her from catching Vi, when Violet just throws her in the pool.

Chair and everything. Didn't get her to stand up like we agreed to avoid possible injury. Ashley had a broken nose from hitting her face on the side of the pool.

Ashley never spoke to Violet or me ever again.

__________________________

That's why I didn't reach out to Ashley.

She didn't want to talk to me or Violet when she was alive, but when Violet dies she jumps in to play the "big sis" role she'd neglected since she face-planted the pool when we were 11. She was 18. She also Left for college a few weeks after that. It's been 6 years! Which is plenty of time to forgive your only sister.

Forgiveness was long overdue. Now she'll never get the chance to give it.

Which makes her a huge asshole too.

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