The Year of Redemption

Chapter 40: For The First Time

Cas had breakfast waiting when Dean finally woke up. It was after noon. The hunter was still trying to catch up on his sleep from the past week.

Dean entered the kitchen and glanced at Cas, then at the pan of eggs the angel had just made. He wanted to ask how Castiel knew he would be waking up right then, but he remained silent and just grabbed a plate from the cupboard. He stole a quick look at Cas while the angel was putting a spatula in the sink, then averted his eyes and dumped the pan of eggs onto his plate.

Dean brought his breakfast outside, walking past the angel without even looking up. He spent the rest of the afternoon chopping wood and piling it in a perfect stack by the cabin. Cas came out with dinner as the sun was going down. Apparently, he had learned how to use the microwave because he presented Dean with two perfectly hot hamburgers, each on a bun, complete with ketchup and mustard.

Dean accepted the plate of hamburgers, glancing at Cas once, then quickly looking away. He was impressed – and grateful – but he couldn't say it. He didn't know if he could say anything to Castiel right now. His mind and his chest felt like they were both doing somersaults, and it got worse each time he looked at the angel. He had no idea if he could get words to come out of his mouth and still maintain his composure. It was a strange sensation. He had never felt like this around anyone before.

Dean sat down on a log and started devouring the hamburgers, while Castiel hurried back to the house and came out a few minutes later with a wine bottle and two glasses. Cas sat beside Dean on the log, handing him a glass and then filling it with wine. He filled his own glass and set the bottle on the ground. They both sipped the wine and watched day turn to dusk - all without saying a word.

After the sun had set, Cas eyed Dean one more time, then stood up with his glass and went back in to do the dishes. Dean entered the kitchen just as he finished drying the last plate. "Hey," Dean said, as if they were seeing each other for the very first time that day.

"Hello," Castiel replied, turning around and wiping his hands on the towel. Dean handed him his plate, then went to the counter and poured himself another glass of wine. He took a few sips and looked at Cas, who had placed his plate in the sink and was also returning his gaze. Dean could see the worry in Castiel's eyes. He knew that look all too well.

Dean shook his head. "Man," he remarked, "Why is it so hard talking to you?" Cas was taken aback. He stared hard at the hunter, then looked away, continuing to wipe his hands on the towel. "No, it's not your fault..." Dean tried to apologize, reading the hurt on Castiel's face. The hunter put his head in his hands, exasperated with himself.

"I enjoyed dancing with you," Cas suggested hesitantly, trying to lighten the mood, but unsure what the hunter's response would be.

Dean put his hands down. "Yeah," he said quietly, his eyes suddenly becoming mesmerized by his feet. One of his toes started to trace a circle on the ground, around and around. Castiel eyed him suspiciously. He wished the hunter would just speak his mind every once in a while. He wished Dean would feel comfortable enough around him to do that.

"Cas, you don't have to keep doing this," Dean offered. His toe stopped tracing circles on the floor, and he took a step towards Cas. Without even looking up, he knew what kind of expression the angel had on his face, so he explained himself further. "You don't have to keep coming back down here and checking on me, making sure I'm alright."

"Dean," Cas started, but the hunter interrupted him.

"Really, I'm gonna be fine." Dean forced a reassuring smile up at him. "I promise."

The angel shook his head. "Dean, you don't understand," he said, then looked down at his own feet. It was hard to figure out what to say around Dean. He never knew what would set the hunter off at different times. More than that, though, it was hard to even figure out what he wanted to say in the first place. He seemed to be having an increasingly difficult time finding words for his thoughts.  He'd always had trouble with Earth's languages, but never this much.