GOd
ArE yOu REadY fOr ThiS?
Christie's POV
I couldn't help but wonder what Dan would talk about.
Phil?
I shrug, and lean against Jesse's arm, waiting for Dan to start.
"So.. you guessed it, I'm going to talk about Phillip today." Dan says, laughing awkwardly. I grin idiotically, and I see Serenity giggle behind her hand.
Dan rolls his eyes. "Oh shut up." He waves at us playfully, before clearing his throat.
He shifted in his seat. "I have liked Phil for a really long time. He's just so peculiar. And different."
"Peculiar." Jesse says under his breath.
I liked that word, the word itself was very peculiar.
"A while back, before I met Phil, I was very-fucked up."
He pauses, taking a deep breath before speaking again.
"I was in a very bad state, physically and mentally. It was quite horrifying of what I was, and frankly I'm thankful for Phillip."
I smile softly, and watch as Dan's face lights up as he talks about Phil.
"He helped me so much, and," he lets out a bitter laugh,"I don't think I'd be here without him. "
"You know, sometimes, it's scary how much one person can change your entire world. And sometimes I wonder, what would I become if I lost Phil? Would I become that hopeless, miserable person I was before? Would I go back to hurting people like I did before? Hurting my mom, my dad, my brother?"
I thought about my family.
I thought about my dad, and how he's always willing to help me, even if it does nothing for him.
How strong he is, after mom left us.
I thought about Matt, that little fuck face, and how much of an annoying little brother he is.
But how he always knows how to make me smile in those sad times.
"I never tell him how much he impacts me, and maybe I should, but then I would lose everything." Dan's eyes grew dark, and I wondered what he wasn't saying.
"I would lose my best friend, my hope, my fucking world. And I know I should tell him, how much I appreciate him, but I know something else would slip out too. My feelings for him would be known, and that's too much to risk."
He looks out the window, lips pursed before turning back to us.
"I know that love is such a load of bull, that it's a contradicting statement. But I know, that I love him. And that's what scares me most. That if I lose him, I lose everything."
*
"Hello?" I rub my eyes, sitting up.
I shift the phone, and blink twice, looking at my digital clock.
4:06 A.M
"Hey. I'm sorry for calling you at this time, b-but you said I could call a-and-"
"Dan?" I frown.
"Are you crying?" I ask softly, feeling something in my chest become undone.
He stayed silent, his breathing growing heavy.
"Daniel Howell, what's wrong?" Anxiety bubbled inside of me, as I waited for his crisp, British voice speak.
"I'm such a bother honestly, you need your sleep-I'll go, I-"
"Dan, you've already woken me up. Tell me what's wrong."
He was silent, when I heard sniffles and hushed sobbing.
I bit my lip, wondering what I could say to ease his pain.
"Dan, w-" I pulled my phone away from my ear to find that he had hung up.
"God dammit." I mutter, calling him again.
Was he thinking of Phil again? Was that what caused him so much pain?
The idea of losing Phillip?
"Daniel, pick up." I chant under my breath.
I sigh, and realize he wouldn't pick up. I text him instead, before laying back down and trying to let sleep take me again.
{me}: Dan, I'm here for you. You are not a fucking bother. Get that through your head.
*
I KNOW ITS BEEN SO FUCKING LONG IM SORRY
ILY ALL
MERRY LATE CHRISTMAS
