FML - Your Daily Dose Of Sh!t

I Don't Even Know Anymore

So I think I'm using my Wattpad as almost a diary because I just need somewhere to right everything down that's bothering me so I feel a bit better. Lately though this hasn't been working for me and I don't know why.

I just get quite agitated and upset over this certain matter and I keep it a secret from everyone but I know that if they find out they will hate me forever because it's a horrible thing and I hate myself for it. I've realised that I need to stop but I can't because I'm in so deep and there is no way to back out without someone knowing about it and if they do they'd tell others and everyone would know. Honestly I'm disgusted at myself and I feel sick whenever I think about it.

I left my main group chat and I really didn't want to I wanted to mute it and be done but I can't.

I had to leave and I do it so often as I get stressed and I snap and I hurt people and normally it's okay after 2 days. This time though instead of feeling stressed and being mildly upset, I had a full on breakdown at my home I started crying and screaming and I couldn't stop. It scared me because I didn't know how far I had gone before it was too late.

I consider one of the members of the chat one of my closest friends and I tell her almost everything. I know for certain without a doubt she would never speak to me if she knew what I did and I can't bear that.

She wasn't surprised when I left because it's such an often occurrence and I can't help that I try not to go over the edge but it happens more and more frequently. This time is so much worse, I have been yelling at everyone whenever I have the chance and I got more isolated I didn't want to associate my self with anyone else and I didn't notice how bad that was until yesterday when I broke down. Everything I had done hit me all at once and I couldn't handle it.

I didn't sleep at all last night I tried everything and nothing worked.

I just really don't know what to do anymore I can't talk to anyone not my closest friends or family because they wouldn't speak to me if they knew and I can't lose more people.
Last night I realised how bad the situation had gotten and I did at one point contemplate that everything would end if I took the pills and that my worries would be gone.
I stopped thinking like that because I realised that maybe someone would miss me and I can't use something like that to get rid of my problem.

If I haven't fixed everything by January I'm afraid that I won't be able to continue to lie anymore and I will have to stop talking to my friends. This includes online friends because this is to do with them and I know I will retreat into myself and become even quieter than before.

I'm sorry this was a lot and no one will read it but it feels a bit better to have written it down. Not a lot but a bit.