nothing without your love

chapter 10

"i thought you might be with tony" frank said and he looked at me in confusement. "i was"

"then were is he?" frank now asks. "i prefer him not even being here" i heard vic's weak voice. and now i understand why tony just left, he is afraid to face vic again. "vic, that's not a nice thing to say! tony has always been a good friend" his mother says. vic feels like a child again i guess. that's how he looks. he is looking down in embarrassment. he mumbles something to himself and looks up again.

"could i have a moment with you alone?" i ask him? or maybe it's better to say i asked his parents and brothers. they understand and leave the room to leave me and vic alone for a moment. mike leaves as last, looking back before closing the door behind him. "why did you do it vic?" i ask him as i search for his hand to hold. "why?' he asks me sarcastically. "because.. because i couldn't imagine a world without you" he continues. i look down. "i would never leave you vic, you know that well enough, i want to stay by your side, just not.. not as lovers" i whisper quietly. tears start to form in my eyes and as i look up i see vic's eyes are watering too. he looks at me and pulls me close to him, giving me a tight hug. "why tony? why not me..?" he whispers as he let go of me. "vic, you know why.. you've left me a year ago, you left me alone, broken and never asked me if i even was okay, and i know.. i know you tried to explain, and i understand why you did, but it doesn't take away the fact that you just left.." i say, my eyes start watering again and i whipe away the tears fast before it can fall down. "i never wanted to leave you" he starts, he seems sure about that. "i wanted to stay, i just didn't realize it back then, i realized it when you were gone too long already.. i wanted you to come back, but i never wanted to bother you, i thought you'd move on.. have a great life without me.. but to be honest, i wanted to stay with you, maybe marry you one day" he says and with the last words he chuckled. i look at him, amazed by his words. and somehow, i don't know why, maybe i felt sorry for him, maybe i missed him, but somehow my lips ended up on his. and i kissed him, i kissed like we used to when we were still together..

as we kiss i hear the sound of a door getting opened. i jump up and look around to see an amazed jaime standing in the room. "it's not what you think" vic and i say at the same moment. we look at eachother but jaime is already leaving the room. "jaime" i shout. he just walks away. i run after him. "jaime!" i shout again in tears. he stops, but doesn't turn around. i run up to him and grab his shoulder to swing him around. "jaime.. please, please don't tell anyone, please don't tell tony.." i say desperate. jaime doesn't answer, but when he finally looks up he says one single word. "why?" i sight heavy and look down. "i don't want him to know jaime, i really love tony. i really do, i don't know why i kissed vic.." i finally say with tears in my eyes.

"you kissed vic?!" i hear a voice behind me. i turn around to see tony looking at me in disbelieve. i hesitate to say something but i just hug him instead. hoping he will return my hug.. too bad, he pushes me away.. this is my own fault and i didn't expect him to hug me but it hurts me. i start to cry and jaime walks away. i think tony doens't know what to do. i'm still his girl, crying though.. but he just stands there, desperate.. finally he walks up to me and hugs me tightly. "i'm sorry tony, i never meant to, you know i love you more then anything in the world" i sob in his arms."i know i know, it's okay darling" he says and he gives a kiss on my head. i take a deep breath and look at him. "am i alowed to go back to vic?" i ask him. he nods and i walk back to the room with tony stalking me. he waits in the doorstep as i talk to vic, that it shouldn't have happened. but my mind tells me different..

"bye" i tell him awkwardly. "when will you visit me again?" he says with hopefull eyes. "i don't know, as soon as possible" i say and i hug him. he returns the hug and i leave the room. tony grabs my hand in the hallway and we walk out of the hospital again. "i think it's a good thing that kiss happened" he randomly says. i look at him in confusement. "what do you mean?"

he doesn't answer on that first. he just shrugs and looks at me. "you know, you realized that it was wrong and you two talked out a lot" he finally says. yeah.. that is was wrong.. "true" is all i manage to say. he puts his arm around my waist now and we walk up to the car. as i want to get in tony stops me by placing both his hands next to me on the car. "hmm, can i like, get in?" i question. tony smirks at the ground and then looks up. wow, this boy truely is beautiful. he kisses me softly and smiles. "now you can" he says while opening the door for me.

"where are we going, i thought we were going home?" i say as tony takes another way. "it's.. it's a little suprise" he says and he lays his hand on my leg and looks at me. i kiss his hand softly before putting it back on the wheel. "keep your eyes on then road please" i almost beg him. he looks back at the road and we drive somewhere i used to live when i was younger. i remember this place. we used to go here for dinner after a tour 2 years ago. tony parks the car and opens the door for me holding up his arm after that. i hook in with him and close the door behind me again. we walk up to the restaurant and i look at tony who gives me a warm smile back.

"thanks for the dinner baby" i say as we are in the car again. he chuckles and smiles at me for a second.

"you deserved it babe" he answers and he parks the car at my home. we walk inside and i fall on the couch. tony places himself on my lap and i put my arms around him. "this is not the right way to sit" tony chuckles after a while. he stand up and grabs my legs, putting them around his waist. i put my arms around his neck and he lifts me up, turns around and falls down on the couch. "this i better" he says and he kisses me softly. "next week we are together for 5 months, what do you want to do then?" i ask him. he gives me a 'i have to think about that" look and i kiss his nose before i stand up to get something to drink. "you want something too baby?" i ask him and he turns around a little to face me. "do you have beer?" he asks and he grins. "i guess" i say and i look for beer and succeed finding a bottle. i open it and give it to tony, then return to grab some coke and a coockie. "i'm glad everything is talked out now between you two" tony says after some time of silence. i nod and give him a little smile, i'm tired.. tired of all the nights i couldn't sleep becaude vic was in the hospital, tired of worrying and feeling quilty. i lay my head on tony's shoulder and fall asleep.. finally.

the next morning i wake up in my bed with tony's arm around me, spooning. i chuckle to myself and roll away slowly from his arms and get out of bed. that sweetheart carried me upstairs last night. tony groans and turns around to continue sleeping. how i love him.. but i still can't forget the kiss between me and vic yesterday. it felt the same like when we were in our relationship. but it's been over a year.. do i miss him? do i want him back? is that what it was all about? i am confused about what happened. really confused. and not only because of the kiss, because of everything. the thought of someone trying to kill himself because of me scares the hell out of me. i'm glad he's alive but now i feel like i need to go back to him to make him stay alive this time. and i can't, i am in love and together with tony, and i truely don't want to leave him, ever.. i should talk about it with tony when he's awake. i sit down on the couch and open my laptop. i log in on twitter and see i have really much mentions. i go down to the first ones after it was anounced i was back with the guys after a year. yes, i didn't check my twitter for months. i see really sweet and happy tweets from fans. i scroll through them and search for tweets about the date that tony and i were together. again i see lots of sweet tweets but i also see confused ones and agry ones who say i should get back with vic. don't they remember what happened? there is one tweet that catches my attention and it's not a nice one. 'last year vic, this year tony, who's next? slut' i scroll up fast again and try to forget about the tweet. i see the date of the moment vic was missing for a while and people knew about his suicide attempt. people ask me if i know why and what happened. i go up to the last mention. 'baby, i'm awake you know' it's from tony and i look behind me and freak out. "you scared me you idiot!" i shout, because tony was standing near me all the time and i didn't notice. he laughs and kisses me. "goodmorning to you too babe" he chuckles. he walks to the kitchen and grabs two plates. "can i make you breakfast my lady?" he says and he smiles at me stupidly. "oh yes, thank you" i say and i walk up to him to swing my arms around his neck and look at him. he lays his hands on my lower back and pulls me a little closer. i lay my head on his shoulder and close my eyes. "i love you" he says as we let go of eachother. "i love you more" he pulls me back again. "most" he whispers before kissing me.