Ansel. . .
Shai smiles at me and I can't but help smile back. I look up at the dark sky and spot a star.
"That one's the brightest!" Shai announces as she points to a shining star.
I look at it for a while then shake my head. "No its that one." I say pointing to on further down to the right.
"I guess its from where you look. Its about perspective." She rests her chin on my shoulder. "Look at me." She says and uses a finger to turn my head.
"What is it?" I ask staring into her green eyes.
"Nothing." She says and smiles.
"Shai." I say and tuck a loose piece of hair behind her ear.
"We've been through a lot, haven't we in just one week."
"Yeah, we have." I agree. "Shai, I might have feelings for ...you. I know we are good friends and all that, but I feel something more, and I'm positive its real this time."
I look up and hope that maube Shai feels the same way as me, but when I look back at her, she has her back to me.
"Shai?"
"Yeah?" I hear her voice, its shaky.
"Is everything okay?"
"No." She spits, turning to face me. Her eyes are glossy. "No, I'm not okay. Don't say something you're not ready for, Ansel."
"But I'm ready, Shai." I say, realizing she's afraid of me using her. I reach out to squeeze her hand. But, she flinches and moves back, like I'm poisen.
"You don't mean any of this Ansel, I know you're still hurting. I saw you that night okay? In the car, it was clear you still miss her and you were holding on to a picture of ...her."
I frown, trying to recall the night that Shai just descibed. "So that's what this is all about?" I ask her, thinking to the night that Galo died. "It wasn't even about Vi."
There is a silence.
"So...." I prompt.
She shakes her head. "No, no, you can't have feelings for me, you're gonna get hurt. Ansel, you have to understand."
"I don't understand. How am I gonna get hurt, I love you. That's all I understand"
"I'm dating Theo." Shai says then lets out a sigh.
Something inside me breaks, a valve maybe. "Why didn't I know?! You should have told me!" I can't help but raise my voice at her.
And she replies with the same tone. "Do I have to tell you everything? It's my life. I get to choose what I tell you."
"And you have the right to just assume that I can't love anyone, that I can't love you... that I don't love you?"
"No, I don't. But I have the right to be with Theo."
"When did this happen?"
"Yesterday."
I sigh. "Okay."
She gives me a sad smile.
"But I will always love you." I state.
"No." She says and shakes her head. "Move on."
I don't reply because I don't want to move on.
"Ansel, please." A silent plead, then, we lock eyes, and immediately, I regret it. There is so much pain in her green eyes. There must be a lot in mine too for she looks away as well.
"No." I whisper. That's the truth. I don't want to date someone else, I don't want to lie to myself. I know I love Shai and I'll keep coming back to her. It's like, if you shine a torch at a mirror, the light rebounds back to you. Always. The light is me, and I will bounce off every other girl. Shailene is my end game.
As I think, the silence stretches on. Until Shailene abruptly stands up and brushes the sand off her skirt. "I think we should go. You know, back to the car."
I mutter an agreement and walk back with her. The walk back is total silence, no exchange of conversation, nothing. As I drive, we exchange no words. The outside streetlights are a blur.
-
There's nothing there for me. I close my eyes, not looking at the ceiling of the tent anymore.
