Never Sent (Completed)

the longest.

Ever since I was young, I always had it in me the courage to give even if I'd clasp nothing in return. Even if my efforts for the people I care about often go in vain, I was never less deviated to offer what I have, to give a piece of what made me.

But I was only 16 and summer camp came and I saw you under the radiant reign of the sun, basked in so much light and beauty that I lost all the courage I had in abundance. What I lost was replaced by something new- it was replaced by love. Right then and there, you spun my world 360 degrees farther. Your smile, your curly locks, your eyes- oh your abysmal eyes; never failed to entrance me every time I set my eyes on them. But throughout your ethereal soul, all I could do was stare. Look at you from a distance, dwell and then realize that I would never have you.

I only knew you for a moment but you dwelt in my heart for what seemed to be a lifetime. Indeed, I already love you even before I knew your name and heard your voice. And then, fate played with my soul and decided to bring me and you together- we were teammates on the entirety of the camp's activities. I had glimpses of you, we even talked for a bit. We even shared stares, songs but nevertheless I was the only one holding the spur of the moment dear. I dedicated poems for you and sent them to be broadcasted onstage. I did that almost every second of the day, you occupied my mind, my heart- everything that was once hollow in me oozed in love and inspiration. The camp was only for four days and I made every minute count. You were hyped, enthralled by the fact that there's this dreamy lass who sends you poems on a daily basis, hour by hour even.

Each day, I woke up with the hope that somehow, I would be noticed by your captivating eyes and your beautiful soul that's beyond words. I didn't know what had gotten in to me, you were only there for a second and then poof! you already ransacked my heart and left it in a state of calamity. I was left gasping for your name and you knew nothing. I was just a mere girl, too young, too naive to know the intensity of my feelings. I saw you as my world and you only saw me as a teammate, a mate to beacon with through every challenge we encounter with all our other group mates.

It was the last day of camp and it came in like a breeze. It's as if I had only set eyes on you today and then you were a disoriented blur on the next. We were asked to give a letter to the person that we had long been wanting to talk to ever since the camp came about. You were the only person I had in mind. I wrote you a letter, it was in a one fourth size paper, and I consumed two pages, all containing my thoughts about you and how you started mattering to me in a span of four scrimp days. But I knew, deep down that it would go unsent, rotting in between the gaps of my hands as I grip it, never destined to be read by your eyes. I folded it and kept it in my pocket as I went back to our holding area.

My camp buddy, who happens to be your neighbor, told me that I could ask her to give my letter to you. My hope riled up. I instantaneously gave it to her not minding how things would transpire after. I was nervous and anxious. I was not expecting you to say your acknowledgements but nevertheless you did. You came to our camp site, wearing that smile, oh your pious smile. You inched the distance between us and asked if it was me who sent you all the poems and including the letter. I nodded, shaking so hard, hearing the throbbing of my heart in my ears. You hugged me so hard I couldn't breathe. I counted. It was 5 seconds of heaven and bliss. They took pictures of us. And then you left, vowing to never forget me.

My courage was replaced by love and the price I had to pay for the replacement was gallons of uncertainty and assumptions. We texted each other, our homes were only even blocks away. But then a day came where all of my dreams were crushed to ground. You texted me 9 words, too little to matter yet enough to leave a debris in my heart that'll last as long as I live. "Don't fall for me. I'm sorry, I'm really sorry."

I was beyond saving, beyond broken. My feelings were used against me. It destroyed me and you knew nothing about what I was going through. I fought the fight alone, defenseless- with only my heart as the sacrificial lamb, I was beyond repairing.

It's amazing how you mattered to me and how I paid the price for caring too much. I had nothing in return, I gained not a bit of your love, I only grasped the shards of my heart, the debris that you've left. And then that was that. I love you yet I was left hollow because of doing so. Someday, I hope you'd find it in you, the courage to love and let people love you. It's a wonderful thing. I did. I have. And will always love you. I only met you for a moment yet you never left my mind even this very second. It's quite jarring to know that you can fall in the kind of love that only takes a second to find yet years to forget and I fell deep in a seconds rule.

When we'll meet someday, I hope you'd let me love you already. But I always would love you anyway. No matter what the price, no matter how long, I'll always have the courage to give even if I'd gain nothing in return. I only wanted you to accept what I could offer, I didn't want you to cultivate it. I only wanted appreciation even if oblivion will come next.

But no matter every little thing I have been through because of caring for you and letting you dwell in my thoughts, in my heart, in my life, I was never less thankful for knowing that you existed.

Thank you for making me feel human for 8 months. For giving me the feels, the blushes, the joy and even the pain of waiting. Thank you for coming in my life and never making it the same.

I'll never forget you. Thank you.

"The shortest moment,
Spent with you,
Is the longest on my mind."
- Lang Leav

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