Feelings exposed

I was just that girl

I am just that girl.

That girl who sits in the back of the class with my leg shaking

The girl with her heart quaking and hands making the motion of nonsense I cannot take

The one who just zones out into space and doesn't understand what to say

When I feel down and shut people out, people say I'm rude but I just need to ground

Myself I sit and stare with no way, on how I'm going to pass this math grade

Which makes me procrastinate in how I need a life change, I need to feel better and find a better way

To be a better person that my parents have created, I need to sit and please everyone to "have a better life"
Please it's just begun everyone tells me if I'm successful when I get older it wont be so stressful

but the stress I cannot handle, being fifteen is the stress I cannot keep in place of vain

I become so jealous of people who have it all but I am not the one who stands six feet tall

I cannot conquer the world that others create judging by beauty and criticizing the overweight

I can never love myself if I try to compare to what I do and do not have, I need to love what I have to be okay

A boy loves me and loves me dearly Every time I see him all I see is love, but I cannot rely on what he

loves about me for me to see what I should love, I need to see that beauty isn't everything

Beauty doesn't define who I am and maybe soon I can see what he loves about me from another perspective

But for now I just cannot stand the fact that others think that it is okay to lie and cheat to fake

and recreate the mess they made by standing in the shadows doing nothing to be okay avoiding problems that always stays

The problems that I face every fucking day, that terrifies me to stay in one place to see what defines how much of a disgrace

kids will be if they admit it is a problem, the way parents will look down and think

how much they have failed as a parent because their child has anxiety but honestly, it isn't their fault at all

and for feeling all that pain and regret pushes the problem away until its reached the peak

and once it has reached the peak everyone thinks, the world has fallen and the silence is cheap

but to see, I am not the only one who is always tired of being scared or feeling that terrible pain in my chest of my overworking heart beating so loud I cannot even hear

but everyone ignores it they are fine and the more they ignore there will be no more

but no

life is not like that, it is a overworking battle of being tired and scared everyone thinks you need a hospital to feel safe and warm

but it isn't that

it is more than medication being shoved down your throat and a stress ball in your hand

more than just feeling cold inside like there is no bone in your body that feels

its more than having the urge to feel hurt on your skin while you sit and sin

Love and happiness can be two different things

and people say that if you have a problem that those are nothing to you "love wont fix or change you"

but damn does it help at the point of time for your heart to beat faster in a better way

and to feel more at center with the chills down your spine, no longer feeling so frozen i couldn't move

I am no longer that girl who would starve for days on end just to feel better about who i was

the only thing I was improving was the social standards everyone needed to see

but it was never about me

it was about creating a second fantasy, but I have come to terms that it this is reality and sometimes it needs to be about me

I want to be happy

I am happy, I'm content with who I am and I'm curious on who I am supposed to be

I love like there is nothing left until my life changes back to vain and regret

and that wont happen because I am stronger than who I thought I was going to be

I am no longer that girl I was

My leg still shakes and my heart still quakes, but I'm better now and I just want to say

That right now I feel okay.