Feelings exposed

Disorder of crime

This disorder
Has always been a spark plug with the inside ripped right out
No energy to describe by the amount of fear that creeps inside
I've had this problem for over three years now
Brush it off get back up and call it the past

but how

How can I possibly say that today I will eat yet I will feel like a disgrace

Feeling ugly and just a waste

But its human nature what can I say?

The frustrating pain of trying to find the ambition to accept who I am today

But it will never be the same

I am trying and hoping to recover

But its sad when my mother has the look of disgrace on her face when I want to skip a meal for a day

I'm praying to something that ill be okay

I'm healthier than I've ever been in three years
But it still doesnt change all these fears

That I bottle up until I crack and outcome the tears

Will the silence take away the train of thought that tells my brain that all the food must go away

So I dont feel insecure in such an individual way
They tell me you need to eat more

Your stick and bones
You need to gain weight
And all I think is

How much I hate the way I look but im slowly getting more comfortable and

Maybe with a little support I can be eating without waiting for my body

To get thinner and maybe as I realize how much harm I've done already to me and
everyone around

I will recover

Even if I can't make a sound

Even if I can't pull my two feet out of the quick sand pulling me down

Into the insecurities I withhold because there's bigger problems than what I am told

I may have an eating disorder and get judged but that is no different than doing drugs or drinking to take the pain away.

"I'm harmlessly not gaining" I say
But in all reality
I do need help

And I'm finally getting comfortable with being over one hundred pounds

Even if I have to bring back every ounce of regret I've had the last few years

I am still me and I will be comfortable in my body soon enough

Because I will not fear eating anymore
Even if it feels like chores everyday for the rest of my life because I have to do what's good for me to bring better light.