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I didn't sleep last night. My mind couldn't stop working, I was just laying in the dark thinking and trying to imagine how my life is going to be from now on. I'm not crying, it feels like my eyes are dried out. Just blankly staring at the ceiling, my heart feels cold as a rock, pressuring my inner body down. That's it, I have one day left. Jungkook doesn't want us to see each other today, he believes that goodbyes always make the flashbacks that follow even more painful. I should respect that, but I want to make most of what we have left. I'll be all alone, I need to start rebuilding my life pretending he was never there. Maybe I'll even visit Mike at the hospital if he's still there. But no matter how hard I try, deep down I know that it's going to be very hard to completely erase him from my memory. I know it sounds like something very typical a teenage girl would say, but I got to know who he really is, the soul inside that body and that is what I loved. What he has inside of him, a galaxy full of stars shining through, visible if you take a good look in his eyes. I will miss that, he made me feel special. Knowing that such an extraordinary person took an interest in me, wanted to tear my walls apart and came to love me after seeing my bare self. That's beautiful, that's poetic. But beauty doesn't last, and I guess we have to end it here before it turns into a toxic situation, a painful memory. I'll always remember Jungkook as someone that taught me how to love, that embraced me and showed me how amazing life can be. If this is the end, I want to keep him in my mind as the angel that gave me strength to continue this journey.

~

It's Saturday, I don't feel like getting off my bed. I'm listening to some music, trying to get those thoughts off my mind.

"Ellen, dinner's ready come join us", my sister has no idea what's going on in my life. I walk down the stairs, everyone is sitting and chatting, you'd think we're a happy family like those in the movies. Bullshit.
I sit, not talking, I can't wait to be done with this. Looking at my mom I see she really acts like nothing happened, I bet she thought I wouldn't find out. It's not even worth it to mention anything, what she did absolutely hurt me and the fact that she doesn't understand how much 'this boy' could've meant to me brings me down.

"I need to go to Ash's place, we're working on a project, I'm going to get dressed" and I leave the room as soon as I can. In fact Ash doesn't talk to me that much anymore, but my parents know her so she'd be a good excuse to get me out of my house. I want to walk, it helps me clear my head, kind of like an escape. But now I need it more than ever, I'll get my bike and run away. Fresh air against my face, sounds like a great idea at the moment.

~

I don't know where I'm going, just cycling without thinking that much. I'm admiring the nature, everything's so beautiful. I like how peaceful it is, kinda cold, kinda windy, it tames my heart. I've no idea how I ended up this far, it's going to be dark already when I get home. I don't really care, Ash will cover me anyway but even if they found out I wasn't there I wouldn't give a shit. I need to take care of myself now, I gotta let the chains that are holding me down go.

~

Heading home, I don't want to see my family but I guess staying in my room and crying all night is one of my hobbies lately. Okay, I can't do this, I need to see Jungkook one last time. If I'm never going to meet him again then I have nothing to lose. I'll go to his house, they're either packing or making last-minute plans. Jungkook always sleeps this time on Saturdays, I'm not sure if he's able to sleep tonight but even if he is, I'll be okay with only seeing his face for one last time.

~

I'm outside. I don't know how I'll face his mother, but the only thing I care about is saying goodbye to him. I'll curse at her if I need to, she got what she wanted, it won't be that much if I saw him once.. I know she's only doing it because she wants the best for him, people will start whispering about it as he hurt Mike so badly, but at its core she only cares about her reputation. I take a deep breath, I make a step forward.
The door is open, why is that? Anyway, I cowardly walk in. It's very quiet, I notice a letter on the fridge· 'We're going to the vet for Phil, Jessica will keep him by the way. There's food in the oven if you're hungry'. Yeah, like Jungkook ever eats anything.

I'm starting to hear his voice, loudly. I'm walking the stairs, the corridor is empty. Approaching his room, I hear him screaming, crying. The door is open, I quickly push it and go in.

I wish I never had.

Jungkook isn't in his bed sleeping. He's sitting on the floor against his bed, crying strongly and having his palms on his forehead. There's so much blood coming out of his arms and wrists, you can barely see skin that's not red. His clothes are stained, little pools of blood are forming on the floor, and sharp & bloody pieces of the craft of glass are pulled out of it and on the all over the place. My heart feels ripped off my body, I'm starting to cry, I'm about to collapse.

"JUNGKOOK! OH MY GOD JUNGKOOK WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"

I say in panic, my voice is cracking and I don't even know I got words to come out of my mouth. He's in the middle of a panic attack, things either have gone really bad this time or it's my first time witnessing this. He's crying intensely, he barely can talk.

"Ellen leave.."

I'm trying to get him get up, he's weak and refuses to move.

"Why did you do that, why?!"

I can't touch his arms, blood keeps dripping and it tears my heart apart. I'm pulling him from his waist and try to put him on his bed.

"Ellen.."
His voice gets weaker as he talks. I quickly grab my phone and try to stop my tears, I'm calling an ambulance. In my panic I'm trying to inform them about the scene. "Please hurry, Chaltron Street 28 there's a boy bleeding oh my God.." I can't hold in my tears. Looking at him bleeding, crying, it crashes me. I sit next to him, holding him as tightly as I can. In the middle of the call he looks at me, softly says "I'm sorry.." and closes his eyes. I'm very scared, trying to wake him up, he doesn't seem to come back. I'm freaking out, crying louder. "He's unconscious oh my God please hurry, please.."

I'm desperately trying to wake him up, he's in my arms, covered in blood. I'm shattered, I feel like I've broken to a thousand pieces. Just the thought of him.. makes me go crazy. I'm out of my mind, his blood is on my clothes. I'm praying for him to be okay, he can do this I know he can.

The ambulance is here, I'm trying to carry him down, the men are helping me to get him in the car. "The bleeding is excessive, someone help me stop it."
Their voices are all around my head, images and words are driving me insane. I can't stop crying, why isn't Jungkook waking up?..

~

We're heading to the hospital, they're driving as fast as they can. I can't believe what is happening. They tied his cuts, they are very deep. I'm frightened, I wish it was me in his place. I'm holding his hand, seeing him like this breaks me down. They ask me some questions, I answer without really thinking about them. They're talking but I can't hear, my mind remained at that scene. I can't look in his eyes anymore, it kills me. I can't feel his warmth, he's there but it feels like he isn't. I'm going nuts, my head is killing me. The idea of losing him can't fit in my head. Somebody please stop this madness..