borderline » jjk

jungkook's journal // ellen

22.09.15

I met a girl today. she's an artist, we're going to be together at the art classes. she isn't drop dead gorgeous or has a breathtaking body, just a girl you'd meet at any convenient store or at the street I guess. the thing that caught my attention is that by the time she looked at me I felt something in my heart, I can't really explain it but she looked uncommonly beautiful. I couldn't make an assumption, the way she plainly stood there seemed to me like a work of art stitched by many different pieces that all had an individual story to tell. I'm very interested in seeing her again, I want to talk to her, to try to understand what was the feeling I got. I've never experienced it before. [...]

02.10.15

[...] she came to class, my legs couldn't stay in place. when I laid eyes on her I felt like she came here for me, and that vibration in my stomach was there, just like every time I see her walking in the room. I had to face whatever it was, I walked straight up to her again. hypnotic perfume dancing around, begging me to kiss her neck. I started a conversation playing it cool, I'm no good at social interactions so I'm not sure if it looked natural. she did not seem bothered though so I kept trying to get to know her, to get her to open up. the truth is that my intention at first was only to find out what that strange sensation was, but the more she'd talk to me and tell me about her, the more I felt attracted to her, as a person. I've seen some of her drawings, I love the simplicity yet the perfectly given feeling that pours out of them, I understand what she's trying to attribute. quiet, but if you talk to her for quite a while you'll see she has a lot to say, formed opinions and way of thinking that I've never come across. she's interesting, she's caught all my attention lately. [...]

19.10.15

[...] we've been friends for some time, the more I'm with ellen the more I feel her affect on me. I think about her at school, at home, when I go to bed, when I wake up. she's funny but not mean, sarcastic but not offensive, I don't know, there's just something that drags me towards her. it might be a dumb idea but I asked her out. i know where this can lead us but I want to experience her being more. not a date but I'd like to see what it's like to hang out with her. I love how she blushed and acted so awkwardly, I can tell she likes me a little which is in my favor I guess. I just hope I don't fuck the whole thing up. [...]

21.10.15

my heart's racing, I just came home and I'm so overwhelmed. we kissed, and this was one of the sweetest kisses I've ever gotten. she tasted like paradise, cherry gloss and soft, elegant lips that made me wonder why I didn't kiss her for any longer. I cracked her open, she told me things she wanted to keep for herself, maybe I've won her trust. I saw why I've been feeling connected to her, I really get her. how lonely and uninspired she feels sometimes, how she senses the pointlessness of certain things. all she said could relate to me, that has never happened before with anyone. she held my hand, it was enough for me to appreciate. I know this feeling, I think I like her a lot. I want to see her again, to ask her if she feels this way, maybe, just maybe we could be together. she could be mine, my girl. [...]

23.10.15

I hate myself. I was drawing like every evening after school. looking for my fine riggers from seoul , I swear I put them in that drawer but they were nowhere to be found. I checked all my containers, I found my dad's charm, his dream catcher. I hadn't seen it in a while, no idea it was there. I suddenly started to sweat, my heart was pounding, I couldn't breathe properly. I started crying, throwing everything I saw in front of me out of panic, I could feel my body getting hot. ones of these moments i feel like I've no limits, i can't stop. I was almost screaming while my crying was getting louder. minji walked in, and in an attempt to hold me down she got hurt, I was the one who punched her eye. my panic was getting massive, fortunately mom came in and helped us both. I calmed down, made sure minji was okay and immediately locked myself in my room. she was hitting the door, she just stopped but I want to see no one, if only I could disappear, stop existing for a moment. I can't believe what I've done, my own sister. I deeply hate who I am, this part of myself that's starting to consume me. pathetic, sick. I need to stay away from everyone, ellen too. [...]