borderline » jjk

천사

I'm visiting him again. The doctors say he's going to be able to leave soon, he's recovering in a fast rate. The possibility of utterly losing him made me realise how important he is to me· even if he left, a call, a message, he wouldn't completely vanish, but him not being alive no, I couldn't handle that. I don't know if I'm ready to let him go, but at least I can see him until he fully recovers. I got used to the idea of being alone from now on, I hope that this will make the pain last less. Rethinking a lot of stuff lately, appreciating more and being grateful. You should always tell the ones you love that you need them, to let them know that they matter. You never know when's the last time you see them, make every moment count. Even my mother was touched by this, she actually apologized for trying to get rid of Jungkook behind my back. It was really nice to see her admitting she was wrong for once in her life.
I'm walking on the corridor, I knock the door and go in. He's sitting on the bed, he looks kinda tired but smiles as soon as he sees me.

"Hello" I say holding flowers. I chose his favorite white peonies, I kiss him and put them on the bedside table.

"You're early today" he says smiling.

"Oh I should leave then" I replied sarcastically.

He gently punches my knee and laughs.
"Shush."

I sit on the chair next to him.

"How are you feeling today?"

"Well apart from the tubs invading my veins, pretty good I'd say hah.. I miss you."

"But I'm here almost every day haha."

"Well I can't cuddle or even kiss you properly, that's what I miss."

"You're going to have it soon, in two days you're out of here", I'm playing with his hair with one of my hands and with the other one I'm having my fingers in between of his.

"Jungkook.."

"Yeah?"

"Never mind hah."

"Sunshine what is it?"

"I've been avoiding to talk about this but I can't not ask.." I cowardly say.

"Tell me."

"Well.. that night.. did you really want to.. kill yourself..?"

He sighs and places his head against the wall. He doesn't look like he wants to talk about it but I guess he knows he owes me an explanation.

"So.. I wasn't very well then, at all.. I've thought about it in the past but I never attempted it no matter how bad it was. This time it was over my powers, I was done trying to be happy and keep failing, I told you I had nothing to lose anyway so I just wanted to stop feeling this way, to find the peace I had lost once and for all.."

I'm frowning, it hurts me to hear those things.

"I never meant to traumatize you in any way however, I was so determined that moment that I wasn't thinking of anyone or anything besides, cutting, deep enough.."

He was pausing more and more as he was talking, it was obvious he didn't feel comfortable talking about it. I interrupted him,

"It's okay, we all relapse sometimes, I just want to know if you're okay now.."

He holds my hands.
"I can smile as long as we're together", a sweet curve forming on the tired face of his.

"I wanted to surprise you but whatever, my mom told me that we're not going back, we're staying here."

"Really? That's great oh my God, how did she decide that?"

"She said she only wants to see me happy and if that means us being together she'll step back."

Overwhelmed I immediately placed a kiss on his lips, after a very long time I felt the butterflies giving me a familiar tremble. Happiness, pure joy.

~

I'm home, closing the door behind me.

"How is he?.."
My mom seems changed.

"Uhh, he's very good, he'll be able to get out of the hospital in two days."

"I see.. And they're going to leave afterwards?"

"Turns out that they won't, his mom decided to do what she thinks is best for him" , I'm walking to my room.

"He means a lot to you, doesn't he?"

I stop. I didn't expect my mom to actually want to talk about my him. I breathe out.

"He means more than I can describe to you."

"..His mother and I talked, this boy really seems to love you.."

"Yeah, Jungkook is a very special boy" I say in a hurry, I'm not very comfortable.

"You know, if that's going to help both of you, you can still see each other."

"Seriously?" I was taken aback.

"Yes if that makes you happy.."

I felt like hugging her, knowing my mom this is a huge step she's making. Though we were never that close so it doesn't come naturally to me. "Thanks.." and I go to my room.

I laid down, smiling widely. This feels like heaven. I'm peaceful, this invisible rope around my neck isn't suffocating me anymore. I have to get ready for my guitar class but I need a moment to get my parts together. This is a blessing in the skies, nearly unable to believe it. Finally, serenity.