The Outsider

"Feelings...or not quite."

The Outsider
Chapter 11
*The picture above is Ryan. He's a mysterious character isn't he?"*

Shays pov
I was dreading for morning to come. I didn't want to wake up, and I really didn't want to go to school and deal with Ryan, Ally, and possibly Raes drama.
I was still pissed that Ally and Josh were dating and I didn't understand why.
He could do way much better than her, and I didn't know why Hayes and I were "dating" anyway. How was it going to get back at Ally?
I think I was just going to talk to Hayes and "breakup" with him. There really was no point in it anymore. If Ally wanted to date my brother then fine.
There was no reason to date Hayes to get back at her.

As I get out of bed, I could only imagine how happy Hayes is going to be to finally get rid of me.
He couldn't really like being in a fake relationship with me could he?
We hated each other for the longest time, and I don't understand why we started talking in the first place.
I walk up to my desk where my sketching pad was and pick it up. I started on a new drawing of a broken heart. It resembled a real heart breaking into a million pieces.
I draw these kind of things because It's how I cope. I put all of my feelings Into my drawings. It really does make me feel better.
I would finish it later during first period. I pack it in my bag and start to get ready.

When I open my closet, the first thing I see is a dress that I bought two years ago. It would still fit me, seeming how I haven't gotten any bigger from when I bought it. I guess starving yourself for the past two years does that.
Yes, I do eat, but very little. And sometimes I just puke it up without meaning to.
I feel that I need to cut back with eating to feel good enough. I always feel like nobody is going to love my body.
I wonder what it would feel like to wear it. Could I even pull it off?
It's not that I hate dresses, it's just that I feel like I couldn't pull it off. Then again, I feel like I can't pull anything off.
I pull out a Machine Gun Kelly t-shirt and some jeans.
I didn't feel like trying today.
I pull myself together and walk out of my room to the bathroom down the hall.
I turn the water all the way up to hot and undress.
I jump in the shower and instantly feel stress rise from my shoulders. The water was really relaxing me. I spend about 20 minutes in the shower and start to get ready for hell.
I really wasn't looking forward to today. I get dressed and apply a little bit of makeup to my tired face. I decided that I was just going to leave my hair down for the day and not do anything with it. I didn't really want to wear my glasses today so I left them in their case.
I removed myself from the bathroom because the longer I stare into the mirror I drown in my thoughts and I start to get anxiety. I can't control my anxiety that well.

"SHAY ARE YOU FUCKING AWAKE?" I hear my mom yell  from down the stairs. I roll my eyes and grab my stuff from my room before running down the stairs replying to my perfect mother. "Yup," I walk past her without looking at her.
I could already tell that it was going to be a long ass day. 

I arrive to school and my mind is swimming.
I couldn't find Hayes anywhere and I was really starting to stress out.
Then again, why should I even care about Hayes? He wasn't my real boyfriend, and he sure as hell will never be. I don't even think  that he's my friend. Instead of wasting time searching for him, or the rest if my friends, I decide to spend the next 20 minutes before class looking through the library.
I didn't read much, but when I did, I would find myself in a better place. I like having other peoples drama distracting me from my own.
I search through the fictional section first, my fingers gliding across the books binders. I come across a book that I was very interested about, Harry Potter and the Sorcerers Stone. I know this was something that you should have read when you were in like 6th grade, but I didn't care.
Lillian was obsessed with these books, and she was always telling me how great they were and that I needed to read the series. So I grabbed the next 6 books that followed the label Harry Potter and checked them out.
I check the time, seeing that I still have 10 minutes left.
I sit down at one of the tables in the back of the room and open the first book. It was really good so far, and I wasn't that fast of a reader. I check the time again and see that I only have 5 minutes before class, so I close the book, marking the spot where Hagrid arrives to the hut.

I quickly grab my things from my locker and rush to class. I sit in my seat, and I notice that Hayes was gone today. Just my luck.
I would text him, but I remember that I'm not suppose to care.
I continue drawing the heart, and just try to block out everyone, including the teacher.

*LUNCH*
"Shay, are you alright?" Lilian asks. I haven't really said anything to her or Luke today. I've been kinda avoiding everyone today. "Shay, you haven't said two words to us today, what's the issue?"
Then I break.
"Hayes is my issue." I blurt. I couldn't believe I said the words, but they were true.
My thoughts of him were eating my mind.
"What do you mean?" Lilian asked. I didn't want to tell her.
"Nothing, I don't want to talk about it." I get up to leave.
I was suffocating  there.
"Okay. Just let us know when you do want to talk about it." Luke yells across the lunch room, because I was already leaving.
People started to look, and I hate it when people look at me so I hurried out of there with no response.
I didn't know if I wanted to tell Lil or Luke about my feelings anymore. My feelings don't even feel real to me anyways.
So what was the point?

~ If you haven't read Harry Potter, I highly recommend it ;) 0_o