Bittersweet Memories

•update•

I haven't written anything in so long,  even though I'm on here everyday reading my larry. I just haven't been motivated haha idek. I hope you're having a great 2016 so far!

Here are my thoughts about this new year:
I'm moving on and letting go of my toxic thoughts.
I'm healing and becoming stronger.
Im learning to love myself, something          I've never done before.
The scars are fading, the hope is being restored.
I'm not going to give in to the negativity that is all around me anymore; instead I will find happiness, even if it takes hours to find.
that was then; this is now.

I wrote that on December 31, 2015. I am doing better. I haven't relapsed w/ self harm for about a month. Even though my insomnia has gotten a loooott worse, I'm still working through it and healing. I haven't binged or purged in a couple months so I'm doing better with that as well. I'm learning that others should not be my first source of happiness. Like, I shouldn't look for happiness in others to fill a void in myself.
I hope that makes sense..?

I have also been learning that if I can't accept the love I give to myself, then I won't be able to accept it from others either. I won't be able to accept it because I won't believe it. I have to treat myself with kindness and love, I have to be gentle towards myself. It will be then, that I'll be able to accept it from others when they give me those things.

I have been going to counseling the last six or seven months. It definitely has helped a ton. I never thought I would ever be in counseling, but I am truly glad that I got help when I did.

Of course, everything I struggle with does take time to get through heal from.
Some days I can't get out of bed.
Some days all I do is cry.
Some days I feel really depressed or anxious.
Some days I feel like I'm falling into the darker side of my mind again.
And some days, my ocd gets really bad and all I hear are negative thoughts in my head.

However, it is how we deal with our hardships that make us stronger. I want to get better. I want to heal. I want to be excited about my life. I want to do what I am so passionate about.
And I will.

This has been a long road; I am definitely not done. I have many wonderful things to come and for those things, I will get better and heal.

I hope this brings you hope.

I hope that if you are feeling low, you will talk to someone or get help. I know that that's one of the hardest things someone can do.

But as I sit here tonight, I know one small reason why I'm still alive and why my suicide attempts didn't work. If I would have succeeded in those, I wouldn't be here right now in one of the top colleges in the midwest (united states). Guys, what I'm trying to say is to not lose hope, never lose hope. You've got this. Good things are coming soon, better things.

I love you with all my heart. xxo

Please message me if you need a friend or someone to talk too. xxo

court ❤️x