Bittersweet Memories

•eating disorder•

I can't eat.
But on the rare occasion that I do, I can't keep it down.
I don't look at food and think nutrition or energy giving.
I look at food and I see calories.
I see the damage that it will cause.
I look at food and see pain, boring into my soul, looking to destruct me.
You see, I don't want to look and be skinny for others.
I don't want to impress people with my looks.
I don't want a thigh gap so others will stare at me as if I'm beautifully imperfect.
I don't want to be thin to impress others.
I don't want to be thin to feel accepted by others.

The reason for not eating, and throwing up what I do eat, the reason for starving myself and looking at food like it's my worst nightmare is not for others.
It's solely for myself.
So that through this I can learn to accept myself.
So that through this I can look in the mirror and see something more than disgust.
So that I can love myself.
So that I can accept myself and be confident of who I am.
I want to tell myself I'm beautiful, without hesitation and much needed force.
I just want to accept who I am.

And maybe this is a messed up way of looking at things. Maybe you think that I'm messed up for only loving myself if I'm thin.
But have you ever struggled with an eating disorder?
I constantly have these voices in my head telling me what I'm not, and what I need to be. And eventually that's all you hear; the voices.
So then you start to believe that.
It's a never ending cycle.
I just want to love and accept myself.
It's complicated, I know.
But don't we all aspire to be what we're not? Isn't that what we long for? Isn't that what keeps us steady?

Wow, my writing tonight is like not organized at all😳😂
Ohhhh 🐳
This is what I'm feeling tonight, these are the thoughts in my head.
Beautifully Imperfect💕

stay lovely💋💙

XOXO sweetly_broken_💕