"Letters she never sent"

Lauren to Camila / "Boss or Toss?"

The famous "Boss or Toss" interview. Just one of many interviews we had managed to make slightly awkward. It was normally you who would blurt out something you shouldn't have said but this time, it wasn't what we said, it was the silence that made things awkward.

We had an interview with Clevver News which involved us playing a game of "boss or toss". You know what I'm about to remind you of Camz; remember she asked us that one question about kissing someone you're on tour with? You were so talkative throughout the entire interview and suddenly you just stopped talking completely. I remember your eyes darted towards me as I pretended I didn't notice and looked around uncomfortably. I still remember Ally's laugh, she always laughed when she was nervous or feeling awkward. I remember the tension was overtaking the whole room as the girls knew very very well we'd definitely done more than just kissing, especially after the bunk hangout.

I tried to ease the tension by replying with 'Why not' as I switched my card around. It was funny I said 'why not' - there were so many reasons why you shouldn't be kissing someone you're on tour with that we chose to ignore but it eased the tension a bit and what seemed like years later, she finally moved on to the next question about wearing dark lipstick or something.

The interview was awkward but it was okay after that point. Lucky for everyone, management didn't even clock on to what had happened, but I knew the fans would. I didn't even mind too much though; it was their way of showing us they supported 'Camren' and I'm sure their support would have rocketed had they known we really were kissing.

I remember we got back to the hotel after that interview and you came into my room. You looked into my eyes and smiled as you asked: "boss or toss making out with you right now, Lauren?". I still remember us laughing as I grabbed your hands and pulled you on the bed. I couldn't believe how happy I was around you. Yeah we had complications, we had a love no one our age had ever experienced and it was the most difficult and emotionally draining experience of my life. But it was in little moments like this I really appreciated everything I had with you, I didn't care about the complications: let them come to us, we'd always fight them away and end up stronger as a couple. In those moments where it was just me, you and the universe; it would seem like finally all the troubles were fading away. Nothing else mattered to me - you were all I ever cared about.

I kissed you, I kissed you like I had never kissed you before. I held onto you so tight like I was about you lose you. I could feel my nails digging deeper into the skin on your back. I never wanted to lose you Camz. It felt like if I held onto you any tighter our bodies would merge into one. Our souls were already connected; we were soul-mates. I loved you, I loved you with everything I had. And holding you like that made me thing that maybe things were going to be okay? Maybe for once in my love life things were going to work out. I always found that I was the one in relationships who loved more. I would give all of me in every relationship yet I would always be the one to end up heartbroken. I loved hard, I knew that, but I had never loved anyone like I loved you Camila. You made me feel 100% and more, you made me laugh, you made me happy, you made me calm, you made me feel like I was worth something. All those years of insecurities and low self-esteem – you made me love myself. I had never loved myself until I started loving you.

But, I was scared. I was falling harder for you every single day. I loved you more than I could ever love myself and that worried me. It worries me because  you could whatever you wanted to me and I would let you in fear of losing you. You could break my heart and I would let you. It was convenient that we had watched 'The Fault in Our Stars' together, I could relate to that one line: "it would be a privilege to have my heart broken by you"

It was true. It would be a pleasure having my heart broken by you, Camila.