"Letters she never sent"

Lauren to Camila / Madrid

Madrid, as a country, was one of the most beautiful places we were lucky enough to visit. The fans there were incredible, they were so full of energy, love and passion. It was impossible to not feel the good vibes they gave off.

Regardless of what our relationship was with each other, it was always the fact that we were leaving the USA that just made us all relaxed. Considering you had practically 'broken up' with me in the summer, we had an awful lot of interaction in Madrid and it made me feel like things were actually going to be okay? The more we were around each other, the more we wanted each other. The more we couldn't be with each other, the more we would end up being together. It was complicated, but that was the bottom line of our relationship.

We had been talking and interacting throughout the entire trip and I felt like finally, my heart was warming to the idea of just being your 'friend' – or so I thought. To be honest Camz, I don't think I could ever just be your friend and that was made extremely clear when we were a few nights in to our trip in Madrid.

Although there was a lot of interaction, there was also a lot of tension as well. I didn't know if it was intentional from your side but you were being extra flirty with interviewers, guys we met in clubs and other random people we met at award shows. I knew being your 'friend' would mean I would have to be okay with all of that, but I couldn't help but think you were doing it to intentionally make me jealous? I didn't know, but I did know it was getting to me.

We weren't sharing a room in Madrid so I had text you one evening to come and see me. The other girls had gone to get some food and I really just wanted to ask you more about this whole thing. I wanted to tell you that I couldn't sit there anymore and act like everything is okay when you flirt with other guys. I wanted to tell you that I don't think I can wait anymore, it hurt me too much and I could genuinely feel myself breaking into tiny little pieces. It would be much easier if you could just tell me that its over. That there's no more 'Camren' and that you never had plans to sort your mess out and get back with me. I told you to come to my room so I could just let it all out to you.

You came in a few moments later with your hair down, you had a silk gown on which was slightly undone from the front, exposing a black lace bra. I wasn't entirely sure if it was a bra or a top you were wearing underneath but my heart skipped a few beats seeing you look so...beautiful. Everything I wanted to tell you just slipped from my mind. I couldn't even remember why I wanted to talk to you anymore, I just wanted to look at you all night.

"What did you need to talk to me about Laur?" you asked me quietly as you locked the door behind you.

I really didn't know what you were doing. I didn't understand why you had come dressed like that. What happened to 'being friends'? This was all your idea Camila. I couldn't help but think you just put me on hold until you wanted me again. I felt like you were almost using me. Dropping me when it was inconvenient for you and then picking me back up when things were calm with management. I knew you were using me actually. I knew you would only want me again when things were okay on your side and you had gotten what you wanted. The problem with me was that I wouldn't hesitate to let you. I'd already let you break my heart; I'd let you do anything to me. As much as I thought I could let you go, the reality was – I couldn't. You had complete control over me and my heart.

You came over to where I was sitting on the bed and you leant over me. I felt your skin on mine and I felt your loose strands of hair tickling my neck as you whispered in my ear:
"You wanted me Lauren? Good thing I want you too right now" you said as you loosened the strings of your gown. You threw it on the ground as you pushed me on to the bed. You climbed on top of me as you began to kiss my down my neck, slowly making your way further down my body.

I couldn't stop you, even if I wanted to. I was so worried and I couldn't understand how you were so careless about this. What if someone saw you coming into my room like that? Dressed in a silk gown? There were security cameras everywhere, what if someone saw?

It was as if you heard my thoughts, we were always on the same wavelength - sometimes I thought we shared the same thought process. You were kissing my inner thighs as you looked up and smiled "no-one knows I'm here baby, it's just you and I, how you've always wanted it"

You were so wrong. It later turned out that someone from the control room was actually a fan, and the rumour that you came into my room dressed like that got around pretty fast. It was insane how little privacy we had and people would even watch our slightest movements of walking from one room into the other. No one knew exactly what we had done, but there was evidence that you had come into my room while everyone was out, in a silk gown, looking extremely beautiful – it wasn't hard to put one and one together.

We had messed up yet again. I realised this whole friend thing wasn't going to work. I wasn't just someone you could fuck whenever you wanted me, I really deserved more than that. The only way I was ever going to move forward from this was by forgetting anything had ever happened with you and starting fresh somewhere else, possibly with someone new.

Conveniently, as I was getting worked up about this whole mess you had got us in, I got a text from my best friend back across the ocean:

"Hope everything is going great on your tour babe, can't wait till you're back home though! Colombia is calling you over before Christmas, make sure you can come okay! Love you, Lucy xx"

I guess two could play at your game. You wanted to make me jealous in Madrid but who said that had to stop in Madrid? Colombia actually sounded like a good idea after this tour, and Colombia with just Lucy and I sounded even better.

Things were about to get extremely messy.