"Letters she never sent"

Camila to Lauren / Sugapuff Interview London

It was always a relief when we left the States. It was like a breath of fresh air whenever we had the opportunity to fly across the ocean - mainly because most of the team would stay back home. We'd travel with our families and then the important people like our make-up artists, stylist, bodyguards and our tour manager. It was like we were free from the chains of management and we could finally be ourselves. London was our next stop. You loved London – it was the history and art surrounding it that you found fascinating. You told me you were gonna move there one day and I was going to come with you.

We had an interview with Sugapuff when we had arrived in London Town. He was incredible; one of the funniest guys we've been interviewed by. It was like we were kids in this interview - we didn't even mean to but we kept saying inappropriate things without realising. Well, I realised what I said, I don't think you realised what you said till after you said it. He had asked us a question which was something like, 'what makes a woman a boss' or something? It was a pretty good question so I actually answered it properly. When he moved on to you, you began by telling me that you really liked my answer.

'Thanks buddy!' I had replied to you. 'Buddy' was something that we had started calling each other since our meeting. It was merely because everyone on the team knew we were more than friends, but around management we would make it clear we were just "buddies" - exactly how they wanted us to be.

'No problem buddy!' you had replied. We were just messing around, but Ally and Normani were literally taking the piss. It was only after we played back the interview that we saw Ally and Mani mentioning Camren after I called you buddy. Even Dinah clocked on from the other side of the sofa and sighed out loud. They all knew about our little "buddy" phrase for each other and found it hilarious.

That was literally nothing though. There was one point – and I don't even know how we got to this point but he asked us what Dinah tasted like or something? I genuinely don't even know where we were going with that, but as soon as that came up, it reminded me of that Lana Del Rey song that you used to always sing to me when you were teasing.
"...tastes like Pepsi Cola" I started singing out loud while looking at you. You clocked on straight away and burst out laughing. I loved how much fun we had in interviews when management weren't there. They'd probably see it but only once we got back to the States, which was a while from that interview. Our tour manager was there but he was alright, he was pretty close with all of us and he respected us a lot. He wasn't like the other guys who were only in it for the money, he actually cared about our well-being.

The last part of the interview killed us all though Lauren, we couldn't stop teasing you on the way home. Normally, it was me bursting out with inappropriate comments but this time it was you. I don't even remember what he had asked you or anything but all I remember is you shouting out 'girls who do themselves!!'- what the fuck Lauren, I'm literally laughing as I write this. God knows where your dirty mind was headed to before you said that but I genuinely couldn't stop laughing on the way back. I remember in the car, Ally just turned to you and told you that you needed Jesus - you were so shy the whole way home. It made me smile how cute you were being.

I loved times like that; times where we were just one big family. It wasn't like we were a girl group touring the UK; it was like we were a bunch of best friends on holiday together. We weren't restricted to a contract which moulded us to be a certain way; we were just 5 girls having the time of our lives. I miss those days Laur. Things were always complicated with us, but things also started to get complicated with me and the girls too. I missed the days of X-Factor where things were simpler. I didn't realise my mistakes would not only affect our relationship, but it would affect my relationship with everyone else as well.

All I ever did was ruin things with everyone around me. I never meant to hurt anyone – they thought I'd be hurting them intentionally but all I ever did was hurt myself and break my own heart the most. I always put you girls before me - or so I thought. I never did anything to intentionally ruin things. Things were really only going to get worse from here. I knew going back to the States would mean more management intervention and that would mean a lot of distance between us. I wasn't ready for that.

No matter how much I tried, I just wasn't ready to lose you.