"Letters she never sent"

Diary Entry / Camila

Babe, I just don't really know what's going on anymore. I knew that being back in the States would make everything worse and since being back, I had to distance myself completely again, without explanation.

Nothing was ever your fault, it was always mine. I thought I was smarter than management and that I could use them just as they were using me. Once they had done whatever they wanted to I would come back to you and things would be perfect again. I never intended for things to get this complicated. I don't even remember the last time I held you or kissed you. Nothing was in my control. Like the whole Austin thing a while back, which I never knew if you had actually forgiven me for - none of that was in my control. You knew that was for "image maintenance" and I understand how much things like that hurt you but I literally couldn't say no to management.

This summer was just a blur as well. We had so many shows and that only contributed to the distance between us. We never spent time together anymore, granted that was my fault, but I still missed you. You were right in front of me and I couldn't even reach out to you. You just seemed like you didn't want to know me anymore, I completely understood why but it still hurt watching you slip away. It wasn't just you though.

The other girls had also figured something wasn't right. There was just so much tension in the group – it genuinely hurt. It was like you guys and then me, on my own. We always said we had each other's backs but for some reason, whenever the problem involved me - you'd all seem to go against that.
I wasn't spending much time with them and they didn't like that. I know all it looked like was just me on my own, chasing after my dreams, being selfish and spending too much time with management.
It wasn't like that, I told you before – nothing was in my control anymore. Anything they said, I had to do without question. The group just seemed to be falling apart in front of me. It wasn't like Fifth Harmony anymore, I never felt included. I just felt like this outsider. It was because they didn't understand what I was doing for you Laur – I had every intention of coming back and fixing this all. Every intention.

I was just so tired of everything. I just wanted to disappear. Just go somewhere far away from this mess. I didn't even want to come back, I just wanted to go to my fantasy world and never return. Everything I had promised you till now, I seemed to go against. I promised I would never let fame or money or anything get in between us, but look what happened. I had done exactly that.

I would understand if you didn't trust a word I said anymore. But one thing I needed you to be sure of is that I still loved you Lauren. Everything we had was real, I never once for a second doubted that. I said I would never let you go and I mean that, still. I had a plan which I thought would work but it didn't. I'm not giving up though. I said we'd be together for as long as we live and I have no intention of going back on that.

I just promise it will all make sense one day. I'm sorry it's turning out like this. I'm so tired of it all Lauren. I'm tired of fighting for the girl I love and the dream I love. I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm so tired.

@camilacabello97: my heart is so tired.