"Letters she never sent"

Lauren to Camila / Camila in hospital

Nothing made me realise how much I needed you than when you were in hospital around August. It was probably one of the most stressful days of my life and I think a lot of it had to do with the fact you weren't there by my side, to calm me down and to help me breath. We were filming that day as well for an Awesomeness TV takeover and as much as I wanted to hold it in, I couldn't stop crying on camera. I missed you so much Camz - that was literally why. I couldn't take the fact we had to perform without you. My voice was already fucked up; I could barely sing my own bit, let alone cover for you.

Nothing was the same without you and it made me realise how much I needed you by my side, I literally had a breakdown without you. Not just in terms of the dynamic of the group when you weren't there but just me, myself. The way I was when I wasn't around you. I wasn't myself, I needed you so much. God knows how I performed that night - shit was probably an understatement. All I could think about was ending the show so I could go and see you in the hospital. And that's exactly what I did.

You were asleep when I had arrived and I didn't want to wake you up. All I could do was kiss your forehead and sit on the chair besides your bed. I played with your hair as I whispered the lyrics to 'Fix You' by Coldplay: one of the songs we had claimed as one of our 'relationship songs'.

'I will try to fix you'.

That's all I wanted to do, to fix us, this mess. This complication we had found ourselves in the past few years. It's like the more I wanted you the harder you were to attain. Just as things seemed they were going okay with us, it would end up being more complicated. Management didn't like the idea of us, but they sure liked the idea of you and Austin. I was scared for our future and it didn't help we were on tour with him at the time.

I know it sounds dramatic, but you being in hospital made me realise I couldn't ever be without you by my side. I loved you Camila, through everything that happened up to this point and I loved you even more seeing you like this.

'I promise you I will learn from my mistakes; tears stream down your face'

The lyrics of this song couldn't be anymore accurate. 'I promise we'll make this work' I told you as wiped my tears and held your hand. Our promise rings side by side as our hands interlinked. You were so special to me, our love was rare and it was something I would fight for. I wanted you more than anything I've ever wanted in my life, more than this whole fame thing, more than anything.

I didn't have long with you, James from our team had offered to pick me up and take me back to the hotel after I had seen you. I remember getting up to go back but before I left, I leant over to you and kissed your soft lips. You groaned in your sleep but you held on tighter to my hand like you knew it was me. I looked up at you. You looked beautiful sleeping so peacefully and I couldn't help but kiss you again, this time for a little bit longer. That was until James walked in to get me.

"Hey Lauren are you rea...".

And that was the first time someone from our team had seen us kissing. They knew something was up but they didn't know to what extent. It was a fucking disaster; I couldn't believe it. Things were already fucked up between us, but I knew that things were only going to get worse after that. I just remember it being the most awkward car journey home and I knew the second we were going to get back he was going to tell the rest of the team.

"I can't keep that between us Lauren, I don't know what's going to happen between you both but it doesn't look good"

Funny that, I couldn't help but laugh to myself when he said that. Camz, you and I didn't know what was going to happen between us since X-Factor but here we were. Still going strong. I wasn't worried, just like every other hurdle we faced, we overcame it – together. I had no intentions of changing anything for management. I loved you Camz and I would fight for you, no matter what was about to happen to us.