"Letters she never sent"

Camila to Lauren / Our Last Kiss

I couldn't take it anymore. Being apart from you for the past few months was tearing me apart. I couldn't do this anymore; it was just eating me inside. You were my first love, my first kiss, my first girlfriend – I couldn't do this to you.

It has been almost half a year of this and I couldn't do it for any longer. We were on a break after our tour for a few days and I just had to spend at least one day with you. We didn't go out or anything. You just came over so I could just finally speak to you, in the privacy of my home.

You cried to me the entire time we were together. It was like months of unsaid feelings you had been holding in came pouring out. You questioned what you had done to make me so distant with you. You told me all you ever did was love me and give everything you had to me, and all I've been doing is giving you nothing in return. You asked me if there was someone else. You asked me if it was Shawn because I was with him a lot since this whole thing started. It wasn't Lauren, he was there to help me. He knew what was going on, he knew about the deals, he knew about me and you. He wasn't a threat. In fact, he was the only one keeping me sane over the past few months while I was losing my mind without you.

You held my hands and you looked me in my eyes as tears fell down your face. You begged me – "Please don't be like the others Camila, please don't just leave me like they all have before. Things were different with you, please don't leave me like everyone else does".

You were literally begging me; I had never seen you so vulnerable in your life before. I couldn't believe that after all I had done to you, you still wanted me. I didn't deserve a girl like you. You had so much love inside of you and I didn't deserve any of it.

I held your hands so tight, I wiped your tears and moved the loose hair from in front of your face. I looked at you – the girl I was so in love with yet hurt so much. I had promised you in the past that I would do nothing but make you happy yet there you were, sitting on my bed crying at everything I had done to you. I didn't think I could ever forgive myself for any of this, I'd regret this for the rest of my life. You deserved so much better than me and that was a fact.

"Just tell me what's going on, please Camz. I can't keep living like this. If management are making you do all this, then just tell me. Tell me so I can move on if I have to, tell me if you don't want me anymore, just tell me what's going on. I can't deal with this uncertainty. I deserve to know, please?"

I didn't know what to say, I didn't even know myself what was going on at the time. Everything was just a mess. All I remembered was agreeing that we would be distant but I never expected things to be the way they were. I remember I looked at you and I felt like I owed you so much. The fact you were still willing to understand me and what was going on, I owed you some sort of explanation.

I told you I didn't know what was going on, or what would happen in the future. I had just said to you that management had been planning a song for me since the beginning of the year. Something that would kick start a solo-career if I was interested and when the time was right. Shawn was helping me out and he was nothing to worry about, he was all for the image they wanted. He knew about us and he wanted to do everything he could to help. I promised you that everything was going to work out, but I just needed you to understand that for the next few months we had to just be friends. The remainder of the year would be hard for us both, but it wasn't long. I told you that 2016 would be different, we would be under a new management and everything would be okay again.

I had told you that until then, we just had to be bandmates, colleagues, whatever you wanted to call it. Things would make sense next year; I had promised you. But, just for the rest of this year, things had to be put on hold.

"I still love you Lauren, everything will fall into place soon. Please just wait for me to sort everything out. Please, will you wait for me Lauren?"

I remember there was a long silence. I remember my heart was beating so fast – was that going to be the moment I lost you? Were you going to wait for me? I didn't think you would. After what seemed like forever you whispered your reply.

"I love you Camila, I'll wait for you".

I didn't know what to say, I just remember I cried. We held each other and we cried. I wouldn't trade you for the world Lauren. I know I had just said we had to be 'friends' from now but I had been craving you for so long. I just needed to taste your lips one more time, I needed to feel your skin on mine for the last time and so did you.

I remember the way you grabbed me. A sense of dominance had overtaken you and all the feelings and tension we had both been holding came flooding out.

I looked at you as I lent in closer and kissed your soft lips. Your hand grabbed my neck while kissed me back and you slid your tongue into my mouth. You didn't choke me, you just kissed me so passionately I felt like I couldn't breath anymore. You had never held me like that. There was so much anger and frustration inside of you because of me - I could feel it in the way you had kissed me. It was probably the last kiss we would have for a while but I was glad that we had done this. I meant it when I said things were going to be different next year. You just had to believe me.

ssweet-dispositionn: "I grabbed her by the throat but I didn't choke her. Just kissed her so deep she forgot whose air she was breathing"