Nobody could ever replace you; a Harry Styles fanfiction

When you left

All I have left of you is that t-shirt you always wore when we were together and your flat cap you gave me on our first week anniversary. I sleep in that t-shirt. It helps me cope, it stops the nightmares. I feel like your there protecting me, looking over me. Mum keeps wanting to wash it but I won't let her. It wouldn't be the same, it would smell like you use too.

But I didn't just lose you, I lost a part of myself. You took my heart with you. I just feel so empty and alone. Everyone try's to talk to me, help me out but I just push them away. I only seem to be able to talk to Niall. I feel like his the only one that understood you like I did. His been a big help. His there when I need a shoulder to cry on or when I need someone to talk to at 2 am in the morning.

My friends keep trying to help, even when I push them away. They keep telling me they understand, they have had family members die. It's all lies. They don't know how it feels to have the love of your life take his own life. They keep asking me questions about you. Do you miss him? Do you want to talk about it? Sometimes I feel like I'm surrounded by idiots. They don't get how it feels. They don't seem to understand, I don't want to talk about it.

I seem to be questioning why you took your life. Was it something I said? Was it something I did? No one seems to know. You could have told me why. Left a longer note, a text message explaining why. Something. Anything.

I still have the note you left. The crinkles that you left. The small patch of blood at the bottom of the page. I keep it my scarp book, the story of you and I. It's got all the photos, all the stories, all the memories. It stays on the last page, the end of our life together. I read it every night, in those stupid little voices we use to use.

Your funeral was hard for me. Helping plan it became overwhelming at times. I felt like your family didn't know you at all. Everything felt wrong, only one thing felt right. Your parents wanted to take your bands off your wrist. I screamed at them, I couldn't help it. They don't know how much they meant to you. No one did, except for me. Niall had to grab me and take me outside so I could calm down. I just broke down into tears while Niall mumbled soothing words into my hair. After that incident they would let me have any say in anything. That's why everything was wrong. If you could have seen it.

Everyone came to your funeral. Eleanor, Danielle, Perrie, Zayn, Liam and Lou. It was hard, I couldn't even talk about you; us. That moment was one of the hardest, its number 3 on my list at the moment. Number one was when I got the phone call from your mum. I dropped my phone and ran to find Niall or just one of the boys. Lou took it pretty hard, his pretty strong about it though. Number two was your birthday. That was so hard to get through. I was meant to be happy with Christmas just a few days away but all I could think about was all the birthdays you could have had if this didn't happen.

School's been pretty tough. I usually spend my classes hanging about the school or sitting at the back. It's so hard walking down main street and not seeing your face or feeling your arms wrap around my waist. It feels weird walking past one direction posters and seeing you, cause I know your not here anymore. I still sit with my friends but I zone out most of the time, not even wanting to be part of the now pointless drama.

Sometimes I wish it was me. I wish I'd taken my life and left you here. I feel you would have coped better, taken it better. I know I should move on but I just can't bring myself to do it. You were my life, I can't just walk away from that. Its hard, sometimes I just feel lime giving up, like you did. Just commit and not give reason for it.

That's what hurts the most. Not knowing why you did it. I just try to think of all the good times we had. All the photos, all the dates, all the jokes, all the laughs, all the important stuff. All the stuff that I will keep forever. But then reality hits me. I start to think about alm the things we could have had.

A cute little house in Cheshire with our 3 kids. Our twin boys Finnegan and Jackson, our little girl Darcy. I could picture it, you being the superstar you are, working hard to pay off our house. And I'd be a famous interior designer, like I always said. But not all dreams come true. Sometimes lives are cut short, it just happened to be yours.

All I know is the way you loved me can't be described in words. And that's how I loved you, and it's the way I still love you. I know that your up there, looking down on me. I'm not sure how I should have ended this. Usually people would end it with I love you or something but I was never to keen on being mainstream, I guess that's why you liked me. I never really did know or understand why you did. And now I will never know.

Harry, no one will understand how much you meant to me. And how much I loved the way you sent me cute messages and your little voices. And that one time I taught you how to smile because it always made me happy. I guess that's why I don't smile much anymore, you were the reason behind my smile.

Just as one last smile for you I've decided I should finish this with the same thing you left me with.

"I love you this much."

"that's not much!"