a real boy [taekook]

12; (end)

(tw; suicide)

     Taehyung,

     I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry.

     I know you promised things would get better for us, and they did get better for us.

     But I know they won't get better for me. I can't stand myself. I'm disgusting and honestly I don't know how you ever decided to put up with me for this long. I've hated myself for so long, Taehyung. It hurts. It hurts so much. There wasn't anything you or anyone did that made me decide to do this. It's all my choice, because I'm ready for this to be over. I don't want to go day by day with you being the only good part about my life. You deserve someone better, and as cliche as that is, it's true.

     Please don't be afraid to move on after i'm gone, it's for the best.

     I love you so much though, you have no idea. From your head to your toes, everything about you is perfect. You're hair is so fluffy and even though it's fried from all the times you've dyed it, it's still soft. You have really nice eyebrows, you should consider wearing your hair up more often. You're eyes are beautiful, and your nose is straighter than I've ever been. You have the softest lips and they always taste like that weird orange chapstick you have (really, orange though?) You're moles are so pretty and your voice is so beautiful. You have such a nice body, even though you never work out, and you're legs are so long and skinny and hairless and wow.

     I love the way you laugh and you're blinding smile and everything about you. I'd never want to forget you, and I hope you don't forget me.

     I have one request though, please don't invite my mother to my funeral. She raised me, but she treated me terribly and is part of the reason I'm where I am right now. Tell your parents I love them like they're my own, and make sure whenever you pet a dog on the street you pet it an extra time for me. I'm sorry it had to end like this.

     I'm sorry Taehyung. I love you, but I can't keep going anymore.

     Forever yours

     -Jeon Jungkook

-

     Taehyung stared at the piece of paper in his hands, his mind racing through all of the moments the two had shared as he read the last words on the paper over and over, not being able to process what was going on.

     His hands shook as he collapsed onto his knees on the hard tile floor, shaking his head and beginning to hyperventilate. This couldn't possibly be happening, they had made so much progress. They were almost there. Jungkook couldn't leave him, at least not like this. It was too much. Taehyung let out a scream, clutching the sides of his head as he let the piece of paper float to the floor. He sobbed, his face read and his head pounding, his mind flashing to everything he imagined him and Jungkook sharing; long nights spent cuddling, maybe getting a dog, getting married... There was so much Taehyung had planned for the two of them, and when Taehyung came home to silence and a suicide note on the counter, he knew none of that was going to happen. There was no changing Jungkook's mind for the fourth time, not even Taehyung could've stopped him. Taehyung knew he was gone.

     Jungkook had run out in front of a car, the police had told him when they called Taehyung's cell. They weren't sure if it was an accident, only for Taehyung to confirm it wasn't. Jungkook knew what he was doing. Jungkook was smart. Taehyung cried the first night, until he couldn't cry anymore. His eyes were swollen and his stomach was sour, he clung to the sheets on Jungkook's side of the bed like they were keeping him alive. He screamed and kicked, even though he knew it wouldn't fix anything.

     Taehyung didn't shed a tear after that night. Not at Jungkook's funeral, not on their anniversary, not a single tear. Taehyung didn't hate Jungkook for leaving him, he knew Jungkook suffered all his life. Taehyung was simply numb. His mind buzzed with static as he pushed himself to get through another day, hardly a way to live.

     Taehyung finally broke down, standing in front of Jungkook's newly put in grave stone. The polished stone shined in the light.

     "God dammit." Taehyung whispered to himself, the salty tears pouring down his face. "Fuck you, Jungkook. Why do you do this to me. I still love you so much. Please let this all be a bad dream."

     Taehyung had fallen hard and fast for Jungkook, and it ended up shattering the both of them.