Fate's Case (a Castle Fan Fiction)

The Fire, the Time

In the car, I sat in a silent awe as Castle and Beckett charged out into the street and I was left alone to my guilt. As I watched them stand helplessly to just behind the barricade I saw several faces of the same pain in people's eyes. Along with those who lived in the apartment, I saw family members and friends worried sick, some crying tears of joy after seeing the living, some crying tears of pain having not yet found their loved ones. I stayed in an awe struck pose with my shaking hands on my mouth and my eyes hell bent on not crying out for being the cause of this.

In the air, I smelt the burring ash and my eyes stung from smoke. I watched the flashing lights bounce from every direction in a dance if blue white and red. Sirens and screams filled my ears along with a steady beat of my heart. Looking through the faces, the bodies, the mass of people I had caused to be this horrifyingly in agony, my hands covered my eyes a moment and moved back to my mouth to cover the smell and sting of smoke.

In my head, I imagined the number of people I'd caused to die, I'd injured, and I'd changed their lives. If they weren't dead, they were hurt. Whether they were physically hurt or not, they'd never be able to forget the sight of their homes falling to intense flames, their photos burning, their memories falling silent, their lives flipping upside down in a blink. So many people who were affected, and I was the monster who caused it all. And worse, I was sitting here, doing nothing but wallowing in self-pity. I had to get out.

What kind of person was I? Who does that to anyone, including children?

As I searched the crowd for Alexis or Martha or someone familiar, the only people I found were the two people I could have gotten killed in the night. Looking at them, looking at their pain, a heavy weight fell hard on my chest, and I could barely breath. I was luck enough to not have the option to be involved but they had no choice. How could I do this to them any longer?

Was I that horrible a person? I would let two amazing people die to protect me? Was I truly that cold? I had a choice whether to stay or not. Why should they have to pay for protecting me?

When I searched the area enough, I found that there were more things in this world that I didn't want to face than just being responsible for their death. Being responsible for a mass homicide of men, women, children and babies wasn't the worst of it all either. The biggest was being the coward who caused it all and didn't even try to make an effort to help in any way. I couldn't just stand and watch any longer. I had to help in some way somehow.

Right then, Ryan came up behind me, placing a hand on my arm. "Kris, where are they?" He wore a fierce look of business that let me know he was in cop mode, not help the negligent kid mode.

"I- they're over there somewhere, I'm not sure," he looked at the perimeter of the barricade and didn't see them. But he moved in that direction as the uniformed policeman came up to watch me. I hated this. I didn't need to be watched. Apparently whoever this guy was who was after me didn't exactly know how to kill me. He'd failed once and was bound to fail again.

Wanting to escape the watchman, I hopped back in the car. I needed to think about the millions of things to think about. What pains had I truly caused? I got my mother killed, I let my baby brother die without hope, I just go this guy's house blown up, and... that's it. Well, that's not offal. It could be worse. Listening to my own thoughts, I asked myself how it could get worse. I could have gotten Kate and Rick killed. I still could get them killed. I nearly did once.

Wow, I was the definition of an ass. Jesus Christ, I was on fire with these people. Honestly, I wouldn't blame them if they wanted to ship me to Peru. I felt the guilt set further in just before it built up again. Kyle built in my head and suddenly this all weighed heavier on me. My breaths became labored and my heart began to race. Knowing as little as I did about any of this shit, I could only guess that this was a panic attack.