Letters

Fourth Letter

Dear mom,

After all those things we've been through, I still love you. I want you to understand that you may annoy me but I still love you. I know that you love me, but at times I feel like you just don't care about me.

I thank you for being my lawyer against my father all these years, and having to take me to interrogations and whatnot. When I started growing up I started seeing the reality of things, it may not be the truth but I think that you were my lawyer and faught too much with dad because you hated him.

You call yourself a Christian but I doubt that you truly are one. You may try , but I haven't seen you trying hard enough. A Christian doesn't do the things you do. A Christian is not selfish, liar, doesn't fuck with others lives, doesn't judge others, goes to church to be like God not because you're sick: mentally, physically and emotionally. We sin, but we learn from our mistakes, and it seems you never learn from yours.

You weren't a very lovable mother, but you expressed your love differently, with weird actions that we at times didn't understand.

I aways knew you had a favoritism with my brother, but what could I do? Nothing, you did things with him and for him that you didn't do with or for me.

I know I was a hard, rebel, weird child that you didn't want your daughter to be like this, but God created me Iike this and you're suppose to love me the way I am. I cut, I was bisexual, I heard loud music that sounded satanic, but I know you didn't believe that I was a Christian and I didn't care. You probably think that I'm not, and you wouldn't undertsand my change for the good when all you look it's at yourself.

I noticed while growing up, that all that you cared about was yourself. All you wanted was for people to give pitty to you, to see how a Hardworking mother you are. How much suffering you've taken from this hard life, thanks to the father of your kids.

Secrets.

I won't forget the day before my 19th birthday, you grabbing me by the neck, twice. You went crazy on me and all I wanted to do was kill myself. What if.., what if I had taken the wrong choice and actually killed myself. What If I never had called 911 and actually went and wasted all my money with drugs and ended up killing myself. Just what if... I know what you would've done, be the victim and let eveyrone take pitty on you when I was the one they should've pittied and helped out.

On my birthday you never sent me a happy birthday; all you did was text me to get the hell out of the house, to pick all my stuff just for calling 911, for trying to look for help. Afraid that they would've taken me away, which that meant no more pension for you and probably mental hospital for you.

I was afraid to end up in the mental hospitals for having cuts on my arms and for wanting to kill myself. After that you never called me until you needed something from me. I find that you're too proud to say sorry.

After all the suffering you let me pass through, I forgive you and love you. I won't let you harm me any more. No more marks on my skin nor marks on my heart and soul. At times, you just made me believe in the devil more than God. Now that I don't have you, I'm at peace, and I live happily. Thanks for nothing. But guess what, I still love you.

         -With lots of love, your only daughter, Alondra