Letters

Last Letter

Dear me, 

               You have so much to change,  young one.  You might be 20, but you have a lot to do with yourself. 

                First,  you are average in weight,  5'2, white,  Latin,  honey brown eyes,  dirty blonde.  You've tried changing yourself physically,  fatter,  skinnier,  red-head,  Ginger,  black hair,  blonde,  dark brown,  but what you don't understand is that you had beautiful hair.  You have found your hair normal,  but you actually have a lovely hair that many girls have loved it from high school.  You've had your hair short since 8th,  yet before you used to have it in a ponytail.  Darling,  let it long and lose,  brings your beauty out.  Your eyes,  your smile is something a lot of people like about you.  Your face,  well,  do as your aunt says,  wash it a lot and you'll see it clearer.  Your nails,  well,  I understand,  they break and the nail Polish always goes away fast. Your weight, eat all you want,  I know you were anorexic,  but love your body, dont be afraid to show it. Have a problem, work out honey. You've always been an active person, start that again, I dont know what's going on with you. Your arms,  for the cuts,  put a lot of vitamin E,  although,  it'll take time and maybe some will stay. 

            Alo,  you've always been hard to deal.  A time you're fine and happy,  the next,  you're falling apart. Get yourself together.  Stick to a schedule. Be happy,  enjoy life,  leave all the negative behind.  Don't watch out for the negative,  because that's being too precautious,  or maybe you are.  Leave anger behind,  leave jealousy behind.  Stay with your friends,  when they start laughing at you,  stand up for yourself and don't let them,  don't leave your friends,  you need them,  you love them. 

           You've fallen behind in the studies,  you're not the best anymore.  You were,  now you're lost.  Be the best respiratory therapist you can be. 
            You do think the worst of some people at times,  the ones that matter,  you should change the thought,  the ones that don't,  don't bother.  You love animals,  keep that up. 

           You remember that time you changed for the better,  you should do that again.  I know it's harder because you have friends, but we all know you can do it.  Go back to church if you must.  Or read and learn new things.  Keep reading books,  that's something good you have. 
     
       You must control yourself,  that anger inside of you must go.  By the way,  you don't have to show to everyone that you're bisexual and that you like both genders,  but you must understand,  I know you like people by how they treat you,  that's very important,  especially for you,  after all the abuse you've gone through. 
       
    Respect your elders,  love them,  help them.  Do favors like you used to do,  that makes you a better person,  stop being....  A potato,  like everyone says.  Wake up,  get active,  go run longboard like you used to,  learn new tricks,  do yoga at 6am,  walk the dog,  paint,  draw,  exercise,  watch tv,  be organized,  listen to music all the time,  be happy.  Play with the damn stuffed animals if you must. Find a job,  even if it's hard as fuck.

            Do treat Tobby better,  play more with Jasmine and Oliver,  they need it.  Give kisses to Bunny more, sleep with her,  change her clothes,  take her to places,  take her longboarding;  she has been there for you since 2006; it's 2017.

           You are a good hearted person.  You are very clean,  organized lady. You do things with time.  You are good on helping people... You are honest no matter what. You try your hardest in everything. When you're dedicated, your spirit is shown. You write lovely.

          I think you will have a wonderful life of you change to a better person. If you dedicate your time to your studies. If you exercise and accept who you are. There's a life more ahead of you. You can do things.

          Life has been a total bitch to you. Father abuse sexually. Mother grabs you by the neck. Brother bullies at times. Weren't accepted. Boyfriends ignored you. Boyfriends cheated on you. Moved from house to house. Critiqued. No matter what you've been through, I see you head high and smiling and laughing. You are strong, yes you have your falls, that's normal. Just concentrate and get back at your feet. I'm proud you haven't killed yourself. In proud you've stopped cutting. I'm proud that your letting your hair grow. I'm proud that you are trying to accept yourself. Trying to look at yourself in the mirror and see a beautiful lady. I'm proud.

          I know you love the word proud. And you don't receive it at all because your parents are proud of your brother and his accomplishments. You can be proud of yourself for surviving.

          Try to survive. Keep trying. To give up.

Trying to love yourself, Alo.