Letters

Eithth Letter

Dear Blade,

You've been in so many people's lives. You've been a part of me since 10th grade. You've been many different things: a knife, a potato knife, a normal blade, an eyebrow blade, even my fucking nails... that's the shape you've taken in my life; in other people's life, I don't know, and it's best I don't know.

You've been through many different places on my body: face, legs, arms, wrist, chest, stomach, neck, hand ... you've also been on many different places in people's lives, but once again I don't want to know and it's best I don't.

You were a part of my best friend.. People made fun of us because of you: he cuts Alondra, and vice versa. It was hard enough experimenting cutting, yet I couldn't leave it behind.

As I said you have been part of me since 10th grade, I'm in third year of university, you're still kind of part of me. Through the years you've been deeper and deeper on my skin, but you've reduced to a few places only, wrist and stomach.

The more I'm left alone with nothing to do, I think of you. Whenever I'm under too much stress, I think of you. If I'm in a fight that makes me cry, I think of you. Anger overpowers me, I think of you. Rejection, I think of you. Sad, I think of you. Lost, I think of you. Numbness, I think of you, even if I don't feel you. Looking at my wrist I think of you.

All the scars you leave me, have faded away. My skin heals fast and leaves no scars, but the ones I've done recently have stayed; in particular this one I have, it's really bad. My dad had to tape my skin back together. It was deep and on a bad place. Recently, you've been going deep and the scars show themselves well. Well enough to put an innocent adult tell me: you need to get rid of that cat. I love his innonce, but I have no cat.

These scars I have, make me want more. Addiction.

I do not care if people see you, they will probably never see me again. I am not ashamed of these because you've kept me alive, but I don't want people I see regularly in college asking or saying shit. Im not interested in what they have to say.

I was a year without doing it, September 18, 2015 until late September 2016. It was a glorious time without you, I was so happy and I didn't need you. Time passed, I moved to another house and new people, you came back and you came more powerful. Deeper. Wantable. More available. Those with me and around me saw and knew, said something, but weren't so against you, they understood, but not very well, but I'm adult now, so, they can't stop me.

Thank you for helping me not kill myself and to control myself. No thank you for being in other people's lives. I don't recommend this shit to anyone, so stay away from people. You may help me, but I'm strong, other people may lose their hand, cut deeper.

-Loves, but hates; Your dear good friend, Alondra.